Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Maybe you've heard
Much has been discussed in the week leading up to the Super Bowl about Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy being the first two black coaches to reach the Super Bowl. And the two general schools of thought are that a.) this is a huge accomplishment or b.) this will only be meaningful when it's no longer worth mentioning. I now have the pleasure of moderating a debate between two ESPN personalities who are both well-informed on the subject, Scoop Jackson and Stephen A. Smith. I've transcribed their conversation below.
Stephen: Yes, this IS an occurrence. BUT. Is it really progress until this is happening EVERY DAY IN OUR SOCIETY?
Scoop: Of course. It's like hippin' and skippin' and hoppin', but you never know until you get to the hop. It's the last and final part. It's the step after penultimate. The ultimate. Skip and Scoop. I myself am very proud that these men have pioneered the way for others.
Stephen: Yes, I know you are proud. I am too. BUT, I am just saying that MAYBE we shouldn't even be paying ATTENTION to this. Maybe we should just let it go. LIKE I SAID, we shouldn't even bring this up UNTIL we see black men coaching the Super Bowl several times EACH year.
Scoop: How can you possibly denigrate this achievement? I feel you're being false in trying to say that we should not discuss this occurrence. You got to be tru. Tru is for those with heart. Heart and soul. It's the soul meets body, says Death Cab for Cutie, which is a cracker-ass band from Seattle.
Stephen: CAN YOU HEAR ME! It is a MOCKERY that this is even a NEWS STORY. Black men can coach. It's not progress until we CEASE to talk about it. Tony Dungy is a FINE man. Lovie Smith is a FINE man. No one talks about how FINE of men these men are! They just want to talk about the color of their skin. It is RIDICULOUS.
Scoop: The color of my skin is all I have.
Stephen: I have NOTICED.
Scoop: I drank with Common last weekend. He's from Chicago, the Chi-Windy-Midway-Gridiron city. It's the smooth between the coasts. The shoulders are big in the city.
Stephen: Why can't you stay on topic? Don't even try to divert the attention away from this discussion. Don't try to ignore this FIASCO!
Scoop: "Fiasco" has not come up on my Google word-of-the-day vocabulary enhancement program. I don't know what that means.
Stephen: Oh HELL.
Scoop: Patronymic.
Stephen: WHAT?
Scoop: It means being named after one's father.
Stephen: I am INTRIGUED by this new word.
Scoop: The father-son dynamic is a crucial element in sports. You see it often in the hustle and flow (a flicker of a flick -- I give props to Elise Neal, who will become the best American actress since Pam Grier) of the way sports works. Tony Dungy had his son ripped from the bosom of his arms, and that has lit a fire that inspired him to become the inspiration to millions by becoming the second black coach to reach a Super Bowl. He would have been the first, had the National Football League not perspired against him to allow Lovie Smith to reach it first, if only for scheduling considerations.
Stephen: Don't you mean CONSPIRED?
Scoop: I did not. I always know what I mean. Each word is artfully crafted to drive a point home, like a hammer to a nail on a bed full of them. Don't you know I edited Slam Magazine? And I know that Tony Dungy will become the first black coach to win a Super Bowl, unless Lovie Smith does it first.
Stephen: I have already TOLD you that this is meaningless. And don't TRY to tell me that I am being IGNORANT of the fact that we have two BLACK coaches in the Super Bowl. I just want to sit down on my couch with a bowl of popcorn and a bullhorn and just ENJOY the game without WORRYING about the social ramifications of an OVERBLOWN non-STORY.
Scoop: You are a racist.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Barbaro is dead
Barbaro was euthanized today.
And thus ends the longest, least interesting story in the history of the world.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Great American Fiction
I got this message in my Gmail spam folder recently, and I want to know what it means. I don't think I could write anything like this if I even tried. Though it makes me wonder if I can get a full-time job writing spam copy.Jim?
Youre right. It got to me-and I dont know why it came to pass through the banks . . .
Silence! Dreadnought whispered Adam bones. Floyd and I silenced and listened-
First, he said, lifting a finger in a very legalistic way, we have
there, mans best friend and tomato can boilpan, and hearing this with your super hearing, a
the loss. Another individual, who shall be nameless, will supply the
me and the darkness became even more intense.
Any of them close to this position?
that we had come in through. It didnt take much intelligence to use
stinks. And more and more it appears to bear the stamp of Stinky
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Another co-op post
I probably would write more about The Office if JR didn't have a blog that was almost entirely devoted to television (much in the same way that Andrew steals much of my Gilbert Arenas man-love). So I am mostly just left with complaining about the lack of respect the Bears get. I suppose everyone has to have a niche.
But anyway, JR and I were talking and decided to put together a list of the top 10 moments from the third season of the show.
And it turned out to be nearly impossible. So consider this a representation of some of the best moments, and not necessarily a definitive judgment. I still am stunned that we don't have anything involving Michael and Oscar from the season premier.
1. Faxes from the future
The perfect opening sequence features Jim being questioned by Karen about his early morning faxing habits at the Stamford office, and he notes that it's "kind of hard to explain." In a closeup interview with Jim, we discover that he stole some of Dwight's stationary before leaving Scranton and he's been sending faxes to the Scranton office, for Dwight.
From Dwight.
From the future.
Signing his correspondences with "Cordially yours, future Dwight," he convinces the hapless former co-worker that today's coffee is tainted, and Dwight hilariously races across the room and knocks a cup of jo out of Stanley's hands. If this season of The Office taught us anything, it's that the story's pivot point is often Jim, the one guy on the show who seems to be "in" on the joke that is the entire office, knowledge that he uses to manipulate everyone for his own comic enjoyment. His facial expressions are also timeless. -JR
2. Everyone looks like Jackie Chan
After Michael is dumped by Carol, he's taken to Benihana's (or Asian Hooter's, as Michael calls it). There he and Andy pick up two waitresses and bring them back to the office for the holiday party. Unfortunately, since the guys can't tell Asian women apart, the two women they enter with aren't the same two from the restaurant. Despite this minor error, Michael considers one of them to be his new girlfriend, but gets confused because he can't tell the two of them apart. He winds up telling Kevin and Roy, "You know how all ... waitresses look alike" and then uses a Sharpie to mark one of their arms for future distinction. It's a brilliant look at Michael's continued cultural cluelessness. Bonus points to the cross-eyed, double-vision look he gets when he's singing karaoke to one, and the other suddenly appears from across the room. -EG
3. Prison Mike
Maybe the funniest moment of the season, at least for sheer ludicrosity. Yeah, I just created that word. When a new worker from the Scranton-Stamford merger talks about life in prison, Dunder-Mifflin workers decide that prison sounds better than working at the office. Michael, ever the sensitive boss, is offended and decides to show them just how bad prison is by creating a character named "Prison Mike." He gathers the office in the conference room, dons a purple do-rag, runs through at least three different accents, tries to talk tough about the evils of incarceration, and eventually falls flat on his face by telling employees that the worst part of prison was "the dementors." Apparently this fairly brief scene took several hours to film because the actors, Steve Carrell included, kept breaking and laughing during filming. Jimmy Fallon would have been proud. -EG
4. The Jim and Dwight team
One of the most important elements to The Office is occasionally convincing us that the bizarre and sometimes pathetic characters do have some real-world skills that benefit them in their jobs, else why would they still be employed? During an episode of sales calls, Jim is paired with Dwight and as Jim attempts to sell Dundler-Mifflin's sales techniques, Dwight begins to fiddle with the prospective client's desk phone, dialing a number furiously. We assume it's going to set up some absurd moment of humor, but when we come back to the scene from a break, we realize it's something better.
Jim tries to sell the prospective client on their customer service, that they can always be counted on to provide a human on the other end of the phone. As he does this, we hear an automated response from the desk phone off its cradle, indicating a wait until the call is received. Dwight tells us that "the other guy" is on the phone and meanwhile, Jim pulls out his cell phone, calls D-M's customer service and gets a perky girl (Kelly) who sounds too happy to talk to Jim before he hangs up abruptly on her. It was a perfect moment of conspiratorial dialogue between Jim and Dwight, never mind that it was preceded by a strange backseat ritual where Dwight cranked the music to amp up for the sales pitch, and followed by an entirely inappropriate and awkward hug. -JR
5. Jan's destructive tendencies
One of the running subplots of the entire series is the bizarre relationship between Michael and his boss at corporate, Jan. Since the inception of the show, there has been an awkward hookup, an awkward "that-was-a-mistake" conversation, repeated attempts by Michael to hook up again (still awkward), and then there was an inexplicable trip by the two of them to Jamaica. And the entire time, everyone is wondering why Jan continues to put up with Michael. After they return from their tropical paradise, a risque vacation photo of topless Jan is passed around to all of Dunder-Mifflin and Jan shows up, presumably to rip Michael. But no, we learn that Jan's therapist has identified her as having "destructive tendencies" and has told her to indulge them. And dating Michael is one of her destructive tendencies -- the only possible explanation for this matchup. Michael Scott: The Perfect Drug. Who knew? -EG
6. You oughta know
Potentially the highlight of the Christmas episode was a fantastic bit of karaoke undertaken by members of the office. Kevin, the large and somewhat childish bald man, graces us with a stirring acapella version of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know," punctuating the mid-90s chick rock staple with an overabundance of "You, you, you, you, you, you, you ... oughta know." Kelly Kapoor, Indian princess, delivers a chilling rendition of Pat Benetar's "We Belong," throwing in a line "We belong to each ooottther ... Ryan" for her co-worker boyfriendish, a man entirely disinterested in her despite her blissful ignorance to that reality. Michael Scott and Andy Bernard, drunk, perform a classic treatment to John Mayer's feel-good sex classic, "Your Body is a Wonderland," entirely inappropriate and well harmonized. Creed also sings something, probably also inappropriate. -JR
7. Ain't no party like a Scranton party
At a paper convention, Michael is determined to have a massive blowout party in his hotel room -- mostly to compensate for how upset he is that Jim, who he considers to be a close friend, has left Scranton for another branch. He gets everything ready, buys several gallons of hard liquor, and even invites Jerome Bettis to it. The Bus declines the invitation, if you're wondering. Flash forward to that night, and Jim decides to show up and see how the party is going. He finds Michael pathetically sitting alone in his hotel room, in the dark, with blaring music, a black light and a strobe light. Michael, defeated, makes sure to tell him that "People have been in and out." Near the end, Jim and Michael have a talk where Michael at once shows both his insecurities and also his good intentions. Perfect example of how The Office blends humor and real, human interaction. -EG
8. That's half-inch drywall
"That was an overreaction," Andy says to The Office after literally punching in the wall with everyone looking on. The hilarious moment is set up by Jim's prankish attempt to give Andy what's coming to him. After Andy recorded a four-part harmony as his ringtone, Jim steals the phone, opens a ceiling tile in a nearby office, throws the phone over the middle of the room and proceeds to call it repeatedly. Flailing about in frustration and unable to answer his phone, Andy gets progressively more angry and we laugh progressively harder with each unannounced and amplified "tweedle-deedle dee" that Andy cannot seem to locate. "Maybe it's in the ceiling," Jim passively proposes. "Maybe you're in the ceiling," Andy fires back. -JR
9. Is there a key for Jane Doe?
For a moment after Jim sees Dwight at a conference where members of both the Stamford and Scranton offices are in attendance, he considers the possibility that he has missed Dwight. But the sneering ex-coworker continues his false bravado, and Jim decides that it would be best to procure a room key and do something prankish. Meanwhile Angela, feeling distant from her secret love Dwight while he is away on business, checks into the hotel and undresses in Dwight's room waiting for his return. Jim arrives with a room key, opens the door, and turns the other way down the hall while disbelievingly noting "Dwight got a hooker! I have to tell ... well I have to tell someone." For a second it sounds as if he's going to say "I have to tell Pam," who usually shares in these pranks with Jim though not since she rejected his advances to become a couple. (Eli's note: JR remains mostly uninterested in the Jim/Pam dynamic of the show. He is a heartless beast.) -JR
10. What exactly does Michael Scott do?
On Pretzel Day at Dunder-Mifflin, Jan tells Pam to keep a log of what Michael does during the day because his productivity has been in question and annual reports are due. As Michael continues to procrastinate, we end up seeing the log of everything he has done during the day. Here it is:
Michael Scott Activity Log
8 a.m. _______________________________
9 a.m. _______________________________
10 a.m. __________Cosby Impression_______
11 a.m. ______________________________
12 p.m. ______Wait in pretzel line__________
1 p.m. _______________________________
2 p.m . _______________________________
3 p.m. _______________________________
4 p.m. _______________________________
5 p.m. _______________________________
Even I am impressed with that sort of production.
Monday, January 22, 2007
I'm not a gracious winner
Since I sometimes like to feed off the misery of others, I decided to look at some message boards of Saints fans on the Internet. The reactions are priceless. I've compiled some of the best for you, just so you don't have to wade through it yourself. Enjoy.
1.)I am really mad at the Seahawks right now. If they had taken care of business last week we'd be in the SuperBowl.1. Translation: Since we couldn't beat the Bears, I wish the Seahawks would have done it for us.
2.) In the post game comments by the Bears there was no mention whatsoever of the Saints
whereas Sean Payton congratulated the Bears, the fans, the city, etc. The Bears should have said something positive about the Saints
2. Translation: I am needy. Please affirm my football team.
I tell you what, if they had any class they would have gone to a knee around the 4 min mark. Instead they punched in another score. Screw Lovie and all the bears, Go Colts.A knee with four minutes left in the game? That's never happened in the history of football.
The Beernan "fumble" not being overturned was proof to me that theWho is Beernan?
refs were going to control the game as much as possible, and
most likely had an agenda that did not favor the Saints
I haven't seen such a poorly officiated game in over 12 years. That's a fact. Like someone said yesterday, momentum wins games, and penalties stop momentum. When the score was 16-14, seems to me the officials went nuts calling penalties. Don't care what anyone says, I will always think of this game as the game the refs handed over.I'll always think of it as the game the Bears forced four turnovers and ran for 196 yards. And then advanced to the Super Bowl instead of the Saints.
Let the bears enjoy their little run, last time I checked its been a long time since they've gotten this far either, and trust me, they better ride their turnover causing defense as much as they can because as soon as Grossman has to win the game they'll be in for disappointment.Sort of like that drive where the Saints put eight men in the box and forced Grossman to win the game. That was sure disappointing.
While the Saints will be remembered for one of the greatest turnarounds in NFL history, the bears will be remembered only as a footnote to SB 41, you know when the Colts and New Orleans own Peyton Manning win the game. I believe the bears were given the game by the officials and somehow manipulated the turf in certain areas. So enjoy the next two weeks bears fans. You will then fade into obscurity.Little know fact: Lovie Smith has a bachelor's degree in Turf Manipulation.
The NFL obviously set up Chicago with the easiest schedule this year so they could get the ethnic thing going and now they have exactly what they were trying to get. I always side with the NFC in the Super Bowl, but it will be just another year that I won't watch the game.The NFL has incredible foresight. But, I mean, at least they care about black people.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
NFC Championship Game: Running Diary
The Bears haven't been to a Super Bowl since I was two years old (the Cubs should be so lucky), so with a chance for the team to get there today, I thought I'd go ahead and document what happens during the game. I'll be writing in occasionally throughout the game with comments and thoughts, starting just before kickoff.
If you're interested, stop on by and say hello. And with that said, go Bears.
12:36 p.m. I did not know the Bears would have to contend with the newest fans of the New Orleans Saints. I feel less certain about the outcome now.
1:07Joe Horn is out for the Saints. This is the seventh game he's missed, and the Saints have played fine without him, but it's still good news for the Bears.
1:34 I want Frank Caliendo to suffer a horrible, horrible fate.
1:49 Terry Bradshaw just danced with a woman on the porch of her New Orleans home. The woman then said that "If the Saints can go to the Super Bowl, anything can happen." And now Bradshaw is close to crying as the camera comes back and he's apparently "scared to death" about Fred Thomas against the Bears' receivers. Overall, it was just a five-minute train wreck of television.
1:52 CHRIS DAUGHTERY FROM AMERICAN IDOL!
1:53 CHRIS DAUGHTERY FROM AMERICAN IDOL IS CRYING WHILE SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM! This is OUR country!
1:57 [whisper]$2.99[/whisper]
2:02 Rex Grossman just took the field. At least half of the women inside Soldier Field are now pregnant.
2:06 FOX just showed a stat that dome teams are 0-9 in outdoor championship games since 1970. Can't wait for the Bears to screw that up.
2:07 Kickoff! Return goes nowhere and the Saints start at the 19-yard line.
2:10 The Bears get a sack to push the Saints out of field goal range. Huge play there by the D. The Saints, terrified of Devin Hester, then punt the ball practically through the end zone. Rex Grossman is going to take the field and the world will prepare itself.
2:12 I just realized that this live blog is a bad idea since I am too nervous to type.
2:15 Bears go nowhere on three lame plays and they punt to Reggie Bush. He gets drilled by Adrian Peterson downfield. The field is disgusting.
2:21 Another big play as Brees is sacked and fumbles the ball away. FALL ON THE BALL.
2:21 The Bears didn't listen to me. But they did force a punt and gained 20 yards in field position.
2:24 Ron Turner won't run the football today. This is going to be ugly.
2:26 The Diet Pepsi voiceover commercial with the football players is awful. It lacks everything necessary to be a good advertisement.
2:32 Colston fumbles. Bears recover. The defense looks to be back.
2:35 Terrible play calling by the Bears. First and goal on the two yard line, you run the ball in. Run. Run. Run. Run. Stupid. Bears take the field goal and are up 3-0.
2:42 First Peyton Manning commercial of the day. His forehead is still a biological wonder.
2:45 FUMBLE ON THE KICKOFF! Bears get it. Third fumble of the day for the Saints and I am all warm and fuzzy right now.
2:48 My warmness and fuzziness is tempered because Rex looks completely confused today. He has the look of a man who might out-turnover New Orleans, and they have a three TO lead.
2:51 Gould drills a field goal and it's 6-0 Bears. That's a good sign and I'm going to eat some cake and take a break.
2:53 CAKE!
3:06 Bears defense holds up again. We get the first sign of competence from Grossman as he hits Desmond Clark for a long gain. Benson runs a bit and we get another Gould field goal. 9-0. I want a touchdown.
3:07 Preview for 24. Jack Bauer is playing outside linebacker today for the Bears. He's going to shoot Reggie Bush in the knee.
3:10 Urlacher and Jack Bauer just drilled Reggie Bush on a dump-off pass. And a great play by Charles Tillman to break up a third-down pass.
3:12 Joe Buck, smarmy as ever, keeps expressing surprise that the Bears' defense is playing well.
3:20 Thomas Jones is single-handedly taking the Bears downfield. Best of all, Rex Grossman isn't having to do anything. JR is begging for the Bears to pass to Desmond Clark. Sorry, JR. The Sex Cannon shouldn't pass for the rest of the day.
3:22 THOMAS JONES. TOUCHDOWN. 16-0 BEARS.
3:25You say "National Football League." I say it's okay to abbreviate.
3:30 And this is why you need to score touchdowns when it's first-and-goal on the 2. Colston scores. 16-7 Bears just before halftime.
3:32 I'm pretty sure Rex Grossman is drunk, given his performance today.
3:34 Halftime. I'm fearful of the Bears' second half gameplan, which probably involves lots of 50 yard pass attempts and copious amounts of falling down.
3:52 And we're back. True to my above statement, Rex threw a 50-yard pass and Bernard Berrian fell down. Punt.
3:55 [whisper]$2.99[/whisper]
3:56 Reggie Bush 88 yard touchdown. I just vomited on my laptop.
3:59 Three minutes later. Still stunned. Can't wait to see how Ron Turner responds. Probably with three passes.
4:02 It's now past 4:00 p.m. and Rex Grossman is still terrible at football.
4:12 I don't feel so good.
4:19 GROUNDING! SAFETY! Thank you, Unflappable Drew Brees! Now let's just keep letting the defense score. 18-14 Bears.
4:22 Another terrible showing by Rex. 3 and out. Bring in Brian Griese.
4:34 33-yard touchdown to Berrian. And Rex proves me wrong for now. That's one of the best catches you'll ever see. 25-14 Bears.
4:39 Ogunleye sacks Brees and forces a fumble. Brees is ruled down, and Lovie challenges. And now I'm waiting .......... and the BEARS HAVE THE BALL.
4:41 This is a terrible blog post, I know. Apologies to you who are reading it. But I'm far too emotionally wrecked to try and be witty or insightful.
4:42 BEARS!!!!!!!!!
4:45 Cedric Benson. Touchdown. 32-14 Bears. I am completely unintelligible.
4:51 Vasher interception. I can't even type. Bears ball, up 18 points, 10:30 to go.
4:52 [whisper]$2.99[/whisper]
4:59 Mark Andersen is an absolute monster. 7:28 left, Bears up 32-14.
5:01 XLI.
5:04 THOMAS JONES TD! 39-14. Where's Dennis Green? Someone crown the Bears.
5:08 Bears take the ball back with 3:24 left. I'm signing off on this. I'll be back with more coherent thoughts tomorrow.
SUPER BOWL!!! Incredible.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Observe
PJ Brown looks like he should be a character on Family Matters.
Friday, January 19, 2007
ESPN loves America's team
New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts
Formulaic values: Peyton Manning won a game + Tom Brady was terrible + Note: Send thank-you card to Marty Schottenheimer + Peter King hasn't slept in days + Vinatieri booting his old team + NFL's new rivalry + Colts at home + Wayne's World + You've still got the best arm in the neighborhood
MMC says: Colts 26, Patriots 17
Breakdown: No matter which team wins this game, we're going to get predictably fawning columns from the media. The only two possible storylines are
1. Peyton finally breaks through and cements himself as a "real" star.
2. Never bet against the Patriots in the playoffs.
And either way, I'm probably going to be a little bit annoyed. However, the first option is far less aggravating than the second. And I think that's where we're going to wind up. The Patriots did not look good last week against the Chargers and needed a series of fluky plays to win the game. The Colts, meanwhile, have been playing well on both sides of the ball. I think people are forgetting that this team started the season 9-0 when they were healthy. Well, they're healthy now. And they're going to the Super Bowl.
New Orleans Saints vs. Chicago Bears
Formulaic values: New Orleans was hit very hard by a hurricane + You are a terrible heathen if you don't root for them, even if you live in Chicago
MMC says: Bears 24, Saints 13
Breakdown: Wow. Look at those ESPN predictions. I know this is the second consecutive day that I've complained about the lack of respect for the Bears, but I don't think my incredulity is that out of line. The Bears are 14-3 right now. And they're going to be 15-3 and going to the Super Bowl after this game. And that's for the simple reason that talent wins football games, and natural disasters don't.
If the Bears lose on Sunday, it'll be because the Bears' coaching staff does a terrible job of preparing the team for the game. That's the only way it'll happen. And unfortunately, I can also see it happening because of Lovie Smith's arrogance in game preparation. If the Bears win, it'll simply be because they have the best defense the Saints have seen all year -- even though it's missing two of its best players. The Saints have only had two games this year against top-10 defenses, both against Carolina. They went 0-2 in those games. And the Bears' defense is better than Carolina's, in every facet imaginable.
The key to the game is the Bears getting pressure on Drew Brees. The Saints allowed the fourth-fewest sacks in the NFL this year, so they do a good job keeping Drew's sewed-up body off the ground. The Bears' pass rush has been a bit lacking lately, so they will need to find creative ways to get to the quarterback (Tank Johnson has some ideas, which he's keeping in a holster under his jersey). In doing that, they can disrupt the passing game a bit and then key on stopping the McAllister/Bush combination, which should be enough to slow the game down.
See that? Those are all reasons why the Bears will win. And none of them are based on the weather.
Although, it is supposed to be cold and snowy on Sunday. And I hear Reggie Bush doesn't like the cold. All right then.
Bear down.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
It's geaux time
All right. So, I think the Bears are going to be playing in the NFC Championship Game this weekend against the
But the Bears? Yeah, they're just there.
For example, this article examines the playoff teams and talks about how each one of them use a two-running back system. They mention Addai and Rhodes on the Colts, Maroney and Dillon on the Patriots and Bush and McAllister on the Saints.
Who's missing?
Oh, right. Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson on the Bears. It's almost like the guy's editor just clipped off the end of it where he talks about Chicago's backs. Because they certainly deserve to be mentioned. Let's take a look:
Addai/Rhodes: 1,722 yards, 4.1 yards-per-carry
Maroney/Dillon: 1,557 yards, 4.1 yards-per-carry
Bush/McAllister: 1,622 yards, 4.0 yards-per-carry
Jones/Benson: 1,857 yards, 4.1 yards-per-carry
I'd say that Jones and Benson stack up pretty well with any other the other. It's a given that the Saints' combination is more dynamic because of Bush's receiving skills, but I'd take Jones/Benson over the other two duos.
But ho hum. They're the Bears and they're boring. The defense is solid and a bit injured, Devin Hester hasn't done anything in a few weeks, the offense is fairly average. There's no storyline to discuss, other than the Rex Grossman angle, which everyone knows. In fact, sportswriters are now just shoehorning storylines into their articles. Take the Associated Press' lead sentence from the win against the Seahawks:
CHICAGO (AP) -- Two swings of the foot by Robbie Gould were all the Chicago Bears needed to offset any shortcomings in Rex Grossman's arm.
Rex Grossman threw for 282 yards on Sunday, with one interception that wasn't really his fault. His arm had no shortcomings. His arm was maybe THE reason they were able to win the game. But I'm willing to bet that the AP writer had that line in his head before the game started and didn't adapt once the game took place.
Try harder, sportswriters of America. Please.
On that note, I've made a few tweaks to the MMS system, so hopefully this week's picks will be improved. I did have 3-of-4 last week though, so I can't complain too much. I'll have the new picks tomorrow.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Spend it like Beckham
There's been a whole lotta controversy and debate in the last 24 hours if David Beckham's contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy is the most ridiculous signing in the history of sports. The questions are nearly endless. Is he still a top-level player? Is this anything but a publicity stunt? Is there any way Los Angeles won't regret this signing in two years? Is he going to be worth the money? Will he save soccer in the United States?
Nope.
What, were you actually expecting more analysis than that?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
With a little help from my friends
I've always been pretty terrible at predictions. About the only one I get right is that every spring, I correctly predict that the Cubs will crush my soul at some point during their season. It's just a matter of when, and if it will be a long-term death or a quick kill.
So I'm going to try to get better. And since the NFL playoffs are in full swing, I thought I'd go ahead and work on some predictions for this weekend. And to help me, I've developed a new tool called the Mainstream Media Calculator™.
It's been well-established that people who write for major newspapers pretty much know everything. I mean, they wouldn't have obtained these high-profile jobs if they didn't understand the nuances of each major sport, right? So I'm going to employ their prevailing wisdom and plug it into the formula I've created to determine the winner of each game this coming weekend. Hopefully it helps me become a little more accurate in my projections. So here I present to you the divisional playoff projections of the MMC™.
Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens
Formulaic values: Peyton Manning + Ray Lewis murder + McNair storybook revival + Jamal Lewis prison time + Colts' run defense + fluke + Billick calls some plays + Harrison and Wayne are good + Threat of Kyle Boller + Dwight Freeney spins + They're saying "mooooovers."
MMC says: Colts 27, Ravens 24
Breakdown So. I actually like Peyton Manning. Yes, he's in too many commercials and loves to put his face (which looks like a foot) out on television. But he's the most talented quarterback we've seen in at least a decade, and I think it'd be a shame if he had a "choker" tag put on him because his team never won a Super Bowl -- especially because it's usually his defense that lets him down in the playoffs. So here, just because I want to, I see the Colts being able to pick apart the Ravens a little bit and move the ball. And I say that the Colts defense turns in another solid game and keeps the Ravens mostly in check. And Peyton will move that much closer to shutting everyone up.
New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers
Formulaic values: Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Brady's rugged face + I hate the Patriots + Tomlinson + Philip Rivers is a total spaz + Throw the ball to Gates + Dynasty + Marty + Most celebrated man-hug ever + Shove a camera man + Tomlinson scored a TD or two, in case you hadn't heardMMC says: Chargers 21, Patriots 13
Breakdown: The Patriots can't keep letting their best players go and then simply thinking that Brady and Belichick are going to be enough to keep them going to the Super Bowl. And now with Rodney Harrison out, their run defense just got a little bit worse, and we all know who is going to benefit from that. The only way that I can see San Diego losing is if Philip Rivers completely melts down and starts crying in the middle of the field at some point because he wants a juice box. And there's about a 30 percent chance of that happening in his first playoff start, so stay tuned.
Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints
Formulaic values:America's team + Jeff Garcia(!) + Hurricane that happened 18 months ago still motivates team + America's team, that is + Brian Westbrook is small + Stupidest tight end eligibility ever in fantasy sports + Deuce is a class act + Philly fans' suffering + Rocky Balboa + SuperdomeMMC says: Saints 17, Eagles 16
Breakdown: I really don't think the Saints are that good. They have a lot of offensive firepower at the skill positions, but I think the Eagles defense is healthy now and will be able to contain it a bit. However, the Saints' pass defense has been outstanding this year, and Andy Reid doesn't like to run the football, no matter the matchup. Plus, we're talking about Jeff Garcia; he's 36 and this isn't going to go on forever. Sorry, Philly fans.
Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears
Formulaic values: Rex + Grossman + Vomit + Starbucks + Walrus coach + Alexander's foot + Bears are boring + Devin Hester + Soldier Field + Another one-and-done exit + Urlacher overrated? + Lofa Tatupu + Butter fingers
MMC says: Bears 20, Seahawks 13
Breakdown: Everyone's talking about "Bear Weather" and hoping that it's cold and snowy for the game, because they think geographic team location means something. Stop it. Stop. It. Half of the Bears' players come from places like Texas and Florida, so they don't like the cold either. And the Bears are a faster and better team, so a sloppy field is only going to serve to even the matchup. Now, as long as Grossman doesn't throw more than two passes longer than 40 yards, the Bears can win the game. If he resorts to his drop-and-heave approach, there are going to be an awful lot of angry Bears fans by mid-afternoon on Sunday. Just let him throw a lot of passes to Desmond Clark and the fullbacks, run the ball (with Cedric Benson, for crying out loud) and move on to the next round. None of this is new information, I understand, but it's very easy to pinpoint what the Bears' season rides on. It's Rex. And that's terrifying.
Monday, January 08, 2007
The many faces of Tom Coughlin
I was a little sad to see the Giants lose to the Eagles yesterday. One of my favorite things about the NFL is watching Tom Coughlin on the sidelines, and his constant state of bewilderment. Whether it was a missed field goal, an Eli Manning interception, back-to-back holding penalties, a bad call or pregame introductions, Tom was always a good bet to look like he had just been forced to pay $300 for an oil change. I just hope New York brings him back for at least one more season. With that said, here's my photographic tribute to the many faces of Tom Coughlin.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Worst of the worst of the worst. Sir.
JR Radcliffe (of Trampoline Bear fame) and I are going to begin some collaborative work, in an effort to revive part of what used to be the Tri-Blog Conglomerate Powerhouse Nation.
Only three of you should remember that.
We're a big fan of top ten lists, so we're going to start off that way, with the first entry being a compilation of the 10 worst free agent signings of the baseball offseason. In a year of absolute fiscal nimroddery, there were plenty of horrible signings to debate. In fact, the number of good signings can probably be counted on one hand. We'll use two to count the worst, however.
While the offseason isn't over just yet, and Jim Hendry could still sign Cliff Floyd to a four-year, $56 million deal to block Matt Murton, we think it's safe to go ahead and write this list. Enjoy, and sorry if your team is represented.
1. Gary Matthews Jr. (Anaheim), 5 years, $50 million
Seriously. You've got to be kidding me. Let's go ahead and review Gary Matthews Jr's career. His father was a major league player. He excelled as a prep athlete based on his sheer athleticism. He got to the majors and found he couldn't hit a curveball, slider, cutter, splitter or changeup. He didn't walk more than once a week. Then ESPN invented Web Gems. Sometimes, GMJ would make outlandish plays and they would be shown to millions of viewers while an East Coast smarm-provider cooed such phrases as "Get in my belly!" over the highlight. Then, in 2006, Matthews had two and a half very lucky months at the plate while making a few more great catches. And after the season, this 31-year old fourth outfielder with a career .755 OPS was signed to a five-year contract by senile Art Moreno, who had promised the Angels fans "a big acquisition" this offseason. Well, this is it, Anaheim. My condolences. -EG
2. Gil Meche (Kansas City), 5 years, $55 million
It has become the poster child of wild, ridiculous spending this offseason. Kansas City wanted to make a "splash" and prove they were serious about shelling out the cash to compete, and believe me, it requires a certain extra somethin' somethin' if you want to get anyone with a pulse to play for Kansas City. But to offer $11 million a year to a pitcher with a career ERA of 4.65 is hilarious, not to mention someone who has reached 150 innings exactly twice in his six seasons. If you're stupid and think wins matter, he has 55 career wins, which was conveniently rewarded by a cool million per victory ... and it’s asking a lot to see him reach the 11-win plateau in 2007 to make that current breakdown hold true. He walks too many people. He’s not even left-handed. Did I mention that he’s bad? For ELEVEN million a year. The following is a list of pitchers – who have already signed at least one multi-million contract in their careers – that make significantly less, circa half that value per year: John Lackey, Dan Haren, Rich Harden, Mark Prior, Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Jake Westbrook, Dontrelle Willis, Brett Myers, Justin Verlander, Mark Buehrle. -JR
3. Juan Pierre (Los Angeles), 5 years, $44 million
I remember the Juan Pierre era in Chicago. Good times. A lot of ground balls to second base. Also, a lot of runners tagging up and going from first to second on fly balls to center field. But Pierre did lead the National League in hits. Problem is, that means next to nothing because Dusty Baker allowed Pierre to rack up 750+ plate appearances last year. And only 33 percent of those resulted in him getting on base. And Pierre then threw away 20 of those by getting caught stealing -- the highest total in baseball. Additionally (Pierre is so flipping bad that I'm running out of transition words), he compiled a .388 slugging percentage in 2006. Carlos Zambrano's slugging percentage from 2006? That's right, it was .397. So, what exactly are the Dodgers paying for? Oh. Speed. I think they could have gotten a better deal in Columbia. -EG
4. Danys Baez (Baltimore), 3 years, $19 million
I'll be brief. There's a fair argument that NO reliever in baseball is worth $6 million a year. And if one is, his name is not Danys Baez (it's probably JJ Putz, simply because of the jersey sales). Batters hit .282 against him last year, and he spent most of the season trying to get command of his fastball. So now Baltimore has the honor of paying him $6 million for 70 innings of league-average baseball. If they're lucky. -EG
5. Vicente Padilla (Texas), 3 years, $33.75 million
Even though he looks like he’s a member of AARP, Padilla doesn’t turn 30 until late in the 2007 season, so a three-year deal for a former All-Star is conceivably reasonable. But while people make fun of Adam Eaton’s contract at 24 million for three years, Miguel Batista’s for 25 or Jason Marquis’ for 21, here is Padilla getting 33.75!!! Hey, why not? Because in 2003, Padilla was good. And that wasn’t so long ago, was it? Over the past three seasons, Padilla has a very mediocre 4.57 ERA, though he was sixth in the American League last year in games started (and first in hit batsmen. It’s nice to have that kind of intimidation.). Eaton had a 4.56 in that span (though he was injured for most of it), Marquis had 4.59 (counting a sensationally awful 2006) and Batista had 4.58 (though with some limited innings due to bullpen work in 2005). For some reason, Padilla was worth an extra 10 million to Texas, who must have been confused because "David Palmer" is listed as one of the top five most similar pitchers by Baseball Reference, and they obviously thought Padilla had the coolness factor of comparing to a "24" dead president. -JR
6. Jason Marquis (Chicago), 3 years, $21 million
I hyperventilate when I think about this contract. Yes, Jason Marquis was a good pitcher as little as two years ago. And he's still relatively young. And sinkerball pitchers have some success at Wrigley Field. But. It's the principle of the thing. You don't -- you just don't -- give a pitcher a contract like this just two months after he finishes taking a season-long dump all over National League pitching mounds. Jason Marquis' dump stank to the tune of a 6.02 ERA, a 1.52 WHIP, a .289 batting average against, 35 home runs allowed and an unbelievable 96-to-75 K/BB ratio. I'm also discouraged to see that "wins" were used as a barometer for his past success. Jim Hendry, I sympathize with your angioplastic plight, but wins don't mean anything. Don't you know that the only reason Marquis won 14 games last year was because he had David Eckstein on his team? Without the little inspirational lightning rod around, Marquis will be lucky to win five games. -EG
7. Barry Zito (San Francisco), 7 years, $126 million
It won’t immediately be considered the worst of deals, simply because the player in question does happen to be very good. Zito has a career 3.55 ERA and 1.25 WHIP, which is admirable even if he was assisted by the cavernous Oakland Coliseum. Playoff experience, dominant stuff, a suitable strikeout to walk ratio, yadda yadda yadda ... he’s got all the things that makes a pitcher sexy, and he’s just young enough (28) where a seven year deal isn’t hysterical. But 126 million makes him the highest-paid pitcher EVER, and seems to set an irresponsible mark that would not have been matched by any team if docked approximately 30-40 million. WHO WERE THE GIANTS BIDDING AGAINST? It’s the last dagger in the coffin of fiscal responsibility this offseason. From now on, any pitcher who’s ever had repeated success will become capable of purchasing small commonwealths, like Guam or Asia. -JR
8. JD Drew (Boston), 5 years, $70 million
Just think how much cash JD would have gotten if he'd have averaged more than 118 games played during his career. Let's start a pool to see which ailment will sideline him first, and how early Boston fans will start to boo him. I say the first owie is an Achilles on May 27; the first boos will come on June 3. -EG
9. Miguel Batista (Arizona), 3 years, $25 million
For some reason, when I hear the name "Miguel Batista" I think of a young, hard throwing pitcher. This is why I’ll never be a general manager, or even someone of value in society. He will be 36 on Opening Day according to the current information, having been signed back in 1988 by the Montreal Expos. He’s probably somewhere in his mid-40s. He will have died of old age by the time his three years and 25 million are expired, which is a pleasant chunk of change for someone who has numbers that make you wonder how he hasn’t quietly retired yet. He’s a career 68-79 with a 4.46 ERA and a lousy 1.47 K:BB, which is much worse than soft-tosser Jeff Suppan, for example. He did go over 200 innings for the first time last season, surprising since he was coming off a season as a bullpen guy in Toronto, with 31 saves. He also finished in the American League’s top 10 in earned runs allowed (eighth), hits allowed (eighth), walks allowed (fifth) and led the league in wild pitches. Weeeeee! -JR
10. Adam Eaton (Philadelphia), 3 years, $24.5 million
Some highlights (hat tip to the Texas Rangers media guide and web site) of Adam Eaton’s career: On disabled list, July 6, 2001-end of season. On disabled list March 27-September 1, 2002. On disabled list May 5-20, 2003. On disabled list June 16-August 6, 2005. On disabled list August 5-26, 2005. On disabled list, April 4-July 25, 2006. I think Adam Eaton might be injury prone. And while I’m curious to look up just how many starts he missed in his career vs. starts he actually made, I think I’ll save myself the leg work and just scoff at the fact that the Phillies wanted to give this guy 24.5 million over three years, despite the added fact that even when he’s healthy, he has a 4.40 ERA. Sure, suppose the stars align and he has no arm problems and pitches like everyone envisions he could (have) ... then he might be worth a spring training invite to someone. But to lay down eight million a year for an injury guarantee over three years, making him the third highest paid player on the team, will probably be the reason the team will be unable to afford both Chase Utley and Ryan Howard when their ABSURDLY cheap deals get bigger. What makes it stranger is that the Phillies gave up on similar pitcher Randy Wolf, whose injury history only dates back a couple years and whose career ERA is around 4.21, with a similar K:BB ratio as Eaton, and the Dodgers paid Wolf the same amount per year … for one year only. -JR
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I'm going to Anarctica
Scientists are saying that 2007 will likely become the warmest year on record, surpassing ... well, 2006. Ice caps are melting, greenhouse gases are way up, and the city in which I live has had just 11 days this winter below 35 degrees. The average is 33 by this time of year.
Also, the Bears are playing terrible football.
Just in case you needed something to worry about on this Thursday morning.