Friday, June 13, 2008
Any concert, anywhere (a one-act play)
Cast of characters
Guy in plaid shirt #1
Guy in plaid shirt #2
Guy in plaid shirt #3
Guy in plaid shirt #4
Fat girl in black skirt
Apathetic Asian hipster
Creepy fan girl
Fan of the opening act
Normal person
Friend
Narrator (preferably voiced by Will Arnett)
Narrator: It's a Thursday night. We look over the floor of a local theater, as 1,700 fans await the arrival of that night's main act, The Red Sense Doorway. It has been 15 minutes since the opening band, Memory and the Burning, left the stage. The excitement builds and a buzz is starting to build above the crowd.
Guy in plaid shirt #2: [begins stomping feet as best he can, despite being pressed firmly against the stage by the milling crowd behind him]
Guy in plaid shirt #1: I'm so glad we got here early and are in the front row!
Guy in plaid shirt #4: I know! We're so close!
Guy in plaid shirt #3: I LOVE this band. Red Sense!
Guy in plaid shirt #2: [raises both arms above head] RED SENSE! RED SENSE! RED SENSE!
Guy in plaid shirt #4: Yeah! RED SENSE!
Narrator: The four plaid-shirted boys in the front row begin chanting part of the band's name in unison, in an effort to get the crowd excited. After 20 awkward seconds, the movement fails.
Fat girl in black skirt: [holding a mixed drink in a plastic cup and carrying a messenger bag over her shoulder, she pushes through the crowd of people to the third row, standing directly in front of someone who has been waiting for 90 minutes]
Normal person: Hey, excuse me, I've been waiting here for a long time, and I can't see over you.
Fat girl in black skirt: [whirls to face the normal person] Listen here, frat boy. I don't have to answer to you. I did not buy my tickets three months in advance to come here and take orders from some pretty boy wearing a polo shirt.
Normal person: Um, OK.
Fat girl in black skirt: [begins texting on her cell phone; Normal Person sees she is sending a message that says, "am in third row, right center, you can all come up here!"]
Apathetic Asian hipster: [shoves hands deep in pockets; stares.]
Guy in plaid shirt #2: This is so freakin' awesome! We're here!
Guy in plaid shirt #1: I know! In the front row!
Guy in plaid shirt #3: [puts his arms around #1 and #2] This is a great moment, fellas. This is fun! We're here, in this moment!
Guy in plaid shirt #4: It's like Garden State!
Guy in plaid shirt #5: [wipes shaggy hair away from his eyes] I love Natalie Portman.
Guy in plaid shirt #1: Seriously, her character in that movie would be the perfect girlfriend.
Narrator: The lights go dark. The crowd. It screams.
Guy in plaid shirt #3: OH MY GOD!
Narrator: Four men slowly wander onto the stage. The singer, a skinny 30-something man has dark hair, probably cut with a razor, that intrudes over the top half of his face. He is clearly disaffected by most everything happening around him.
Fat girl in black skirt: Jason! Jason! Ahhhhh!
Apathetic Asian hipster: [shoves hands deep in pockets; stares.]
Narrator: The band launches into "Ineffectual Meaning," the the first song from their new album. A deep, rumbling bass tensely builds atmosphere and the drummer pounds an ironically syncopated rhythm. The guitarist, his Les Paul slung low, slams his fist into an enormous E-minor power chord as the singer belts the opening lyrics.
Guy in plaid shirt #5: Oh my God! This is awesome!
Guy in plaid shirt #1: [takes lens cap off his SLR camera and begins taking, like, a billion pictures of the lead singer, presumably for a Facebook album that will be entitled, "Secretly Famous: Move, Shake, Move."]
Guy in plaid shirt #3: Whoooooooooooooooooo!
Fan of the opening band: [leaves]
Fat girl in black skirt: [notices her seven fat friends pushing their way through the crowd] Guys! Guys! Over here!
Narrator: Seven fat people push their way in front of those who have been standing for hours. Some of them groan in protest. But in the end, they do nothing. The plaid-shirted boys jump and shake the fists proudly at the stage for two hours, displaying their fervent public love for the band. The apathetic Asian hipster continues to stare. The fan of the opening band grabs a thickburger from Hardees on his way home.
It's any concert, anywhere.
Read or Post a Comment
<< Home