Thursday, January 11, 2007
With a little help from my friends
I've always been pretty terrible at predictions. About the only one I get right is that every spring, I correctly predict that the Cubs will crush my soul at some point during their season. It's just a matter of when, and if it will be a long-term death or a quick kill.
So I'm going to try to get better. And since the NFL playoffs are in full swing, I thought I'd go ahead and work on some predictions for this weekend. And to help me, I've developed a new tool called the Mainstream Media Calculator™.
It's been well-established that people who write for major newspapers pretty much know everything. I mean, they wouldn't have obtained these high-profile jobs if they didn't understand the nuances of each major sport, right? So I'm going to employ their prevailing wisdom and plug it into the formula I've created to determine the winner of each game this coming weekend. Hopefully it helps me become a little more accurate in my projections. So here I present to you the divisional playoff projections of the MMC™.
Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens
Formulaic values: Peyton Manning + Ray Lewis murder + McNair storybook revival + Jamal Lewis prison time + Colts' run defense + fluke + Billick calls some plays + Harrison and Wayne are good + Threat of Kyle Boller + Dwight Freeney spins + They're saying "mooooovers."
MMC says: Colts 27, Ravens 24
Breakdown So. I actually like Peyton Manning. Yes, he's in too many commercials and loves to put his face (which looks like a foot) out on television. But he's the most talented quarterback we've seen in at least a decade, and I think it'd be a shame if he had a "choker" tag put on him because his team never won a Super Bowl -- especially because it's usually his defense that lets him down in the playoffs. So here, just because I want to, I see the Colts being able to pick apart the Ravens a little bit and move the ball. And I say that the Colts defense turns in another solid game and keeps the Ravens mostly in check. And Peyton will move that much closer to shutting everyone up.
New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers
Formulaic values: Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Brady's rugged face + I hate the Patriots + Tomlinson + Philip Rivers is a total spaz + Throw the ball to Gates + Dynasty + Marty + Most celebrated man-hug ever + Shove a camera man + Tomlinson scored a TD or two, in case you hadn't heardMMC says: Chargers 21, Patriots 13
Breakdown: The Patriots can't keep letting their best players go and then simply thinking that Brady and Belichick are going to be enough to keep them going to the Super Bowl. And now with Rodney Harrison out, their run defense just got a little bit worse, and we all know who is going to benefit from that. The only way that I can see San Diego losing is if Philip Rivers completely melts down and starts crying in the middle of the field at some point because he wants a juice box. And there's about a 30 percent chance of that happening in his first playoff start, so stay tuned.
Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints
Formulaic values:America's team + Jeff Garcia(!) + Hurricane that happened 18 months ago still motivates team + America's team, that is + Brian Westbrook is small + Stupidest tight end eligibility ever in fantasy sports + Deuce is a class act + Philly fans' suffering + Rocky Balboa + SuperdomeMMC says: Saints 17, Eagles 16
Breakdown: I really don't think the Saints are that good. They have a lot of offensive firepower at the skill positions, but I think the Eagles defense is healthy now and will be able to contain it a bit. However, the Saints' pass defense has been outstanding this year, and Andy Reid doesn't like to run the football, no matter the matchup. Plus, we're talking about Jeff Garcia; he's 36 and this isn't going to go on forever. Sorry, Philly fans.
Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears
Formulaic values: Rex + Grossman + Vomit + Starbucks + Walrus coach + Alexander's foot + Bears are boring + Devin Hester + Soldier Field + Another one-and-done exit + Urlacher overrated? + Lofa Tatupu + Butter fingers
MMC says: Bears 20, Seahawks 13
Breakdown: Everyone's talking about "Bear Weather" and hoping that it's cold and snowy for the game, because they think geographic team location means something. Stop it. Stop. It. Half of the Bears' players come from places like Texas and Florida, so they don't like the cold either. And the Bears are a faster and better team, so a sloppy field is only going to serve to even the matchup. Now, as long as Grossman doesn't throw more than two passes longer than 40 yards, the Bears can win the game. If he resorts to his drop-and-heave approach, there are going to be an awful lot of angry Bears fans by mid-afternoon on Sunday. Just let him throw a lot of passes to Desmond Clark and the fullbacks, run the ball (with Cedric Benson, for crying out loud) and move on to the next round. None of this is new information, I understand, but it's very easy to pinpoint what the Bears' season rides on. It's Rex. And that's terrifying.
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Dude, by the way, who is the Chargers' backup QB? Is it still Moses Moreno or some shit? Is it a bad sign that I don't even know? For the Chargers I mean? See I'm going totally the other way on this one, I see the Ravens in the Super Bowl and I see them stepping on the Pats in the AFC title game to do it. For once, me and the Sports Guy agree, though I actually thought the Ravens would likely win the North all season, whereas he was all "Steve McNair is made of glass, the Ravens are a fluky team, blah blah my buddy Hench, etc." all season long.
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That second deleted post, by the way, was a copy of the first one. I ONLY CLICKED ONCE, DAMMIT.