Saturday, December 16, 2006
The Bill Simmons Writing Tutorial, v. 1.0
So I was reading Bill Simmons' mailbag yesterday, and just reveling in the awesome amazingness of his never-ever-hackneyed prose and I decided that in addition to his ESPN columns, television appearances, radio show gigs and frequent trips to Starbucks with his dog, Bill should teach a writing seminar. After all, he used to be nothing but a simple Internet blogger, and his success should give hope to similar
So I contacted Bill and he got back to me quickly, which I really appreciate given how busy he is. Fresh to you, TG10 readers, is the Bill Simmons Writing Tutorial, v. 1.0.
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Hey guys! It's me, Bill Simmons. I'm just taking away a few moments from slapping my wife around and being the man of the family to give some pointers to you know-nothing scrubs out there.
So you want to be a writer? Well good freaking luck. It's almost impossible to do nowadays. You have to have a rare collection of talent, wit, drive, determination, Celtics pride, connections to Hollywood celebrities, a know-it-all mentality, a gambling addiction and lots of hot air.
Karate Kid!
Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to do this tutorial, because ESPN Classic is going to be showing a special on Larry Bird in 15 minutes, so this is going to have to be done quickly. But it will look like I spent a lot of time on it, because I have no filter and I can shoot off almost 580 words a minute.
So without further (Bob Mc)ado(o), here are my tips:
(By the way, did you notice I snuck in the name of a former Celtics player there? All writers should always try their best to make lots of references, because people feel like you know about lots of stuff.)
Lesson 1: Make lots of references.
This is huge. My buddy Hench called me the other day and we were talking about how much we hate J.D. Drew because we heard from a reader's friend's sister that it doesn't look like J.D. cares enough when he plays baseball. It's like baseball doesn't mean anything to him, and he makes this face that shows he doesn't care. I'm going to call it the J.D. Drew Face, even though I've never really watched him play baseball before. But I imagine it's the kind of face I make when I am sleeping, or maybe when I have to sit down and watch The Notebook with my bimbo wife, who only likes chick stuff. I want a divorce so I can marry Jimmy Kimmel.
Lesson 2: Talk about Jimmy Kimmel a lot
I used to write for Jimmy Kimmel's TV show, back when it was still on the air. But since he's the funniest guy ever, and I know him, you should always talk about him. See, look what I did yesterday during my mailbag when a reader asked a question about Britney Spears. Look right here, watch this technique I use when I answer his question, right here:
Britney peaked about five years ago. In fact, I wrote for Jimmy Kimmel for the AMA's last month and Britney wasn't even one of the top-10 best-looking female celebs in the building. My friend Raff has a great phrase to describe how she looked ...
See, not only did I mention Jimmy Kimmel, I also let you guys know that I wrote for him at the AMAs last month. That gives me lots of credibility. Plus, I also wanted to let you know that I saw lots of female celebrities, and they were so hot that Britney wasn't even one of the 10 hottest in the building. And I wish I didn't have any editors, because what Raff said was so funny about her.
Lesson 3: Talk about your buddies
It makes it look like people like you, and people with friends are always cooler. I have lots of friends. J-Bug, Raff, Hench, my dad ... yeah, we're all really close. They return my calls sometimes.
Lesson 4: Use big words in inexplicable places
I love saying "inexplicable." It's my goal to use it so much that it gets banned from the American lexicon.
See? Lexicon. Score. Like Larry Bird.
Lesson 5: You are smarter than everyone else
Well, you guys aren't. But I am. And that's what allows me to be the most successful sportswriter in America. If you were me, and I'm sorry that you aren't, you would point out how you knew that things weren't going to work out after they don't work out. For example, you'd mention how Ben Wallace isn't going to contribute anything to the Chicago Bulls and it's the worst signing ever just two days before he goes out and grabs 27 rebounds. See? I told you he was going to be a huge presence for Chicago. They look like the Eastern Division champs to me.
Lesson 6: Team chemistry is the most important sports attribute ever
Look at what I wrote here about Orlando Cabrera, former Boston Red Sox shortstop:
Second of all, Orlando Cabrera was clearly the Taylor Townsend of the 2004 Red Sox: Right when he showed up, they started winning; as soon as he left, they stopped winning big games; and few people ever adequately appreciated him when he was there or understood what he meant to that team.Two things to note there: I used a reference there. Refer to Lesson 2. Also, I don't really quantify why Orlando Cabrera was so important to the Red Sox. But since he put up a .320 OBP and was below-average offensively, it has to be because of chemistry. And chemistry is the most important thing in the game of baseball, because it's made up of nine players who all have to do their job individually and rarely actually affect one another's performance while on the field. This is why the Red Sox will all hate J.D. Drew, because he doesn't look like he cares when he plays. And because of that, David Ortiz will not be able to hit in clutch situations anymore, because during his at-bat he'll be remembering the look J.D. Drew was making during the 3rd inning.
Lesson 7: Hate the Yankees
Alex Rodriguez is a gay choker.
Lesson 8: Be a man
This is the most important, and final lesson. Like I told you earlier, sportswriters have to be men. We all know this. So you have to assert your masculinity at all times. Talk about how stupid your wife is (all she wants is shoes. Shoes, shoes, shoes.). Say that you take care of your daughter, but make sure to let everyone know that you don't like doing it, because children are for homos. Say that the WNBA is stupid and women shouldn't be allowed to have professional sports leagues, because people like me don't care about them at all. Then when you assert your warrior-male dominance, people will know that you're the boss and you know everything about sports.
These are the steps that will make you a successful writer. I have a few more to tell you, but I don't have the time. Gotta go watch the Basketball Jesus. Later, you idiot sucks.
Read or Post a Comment
Don't forget making up "theories" and cherry-picking examples that somewhat prove your point.
You know I love me some Simmons bashing. It's so ungrateful. I eat ungrateful for breakfast. I don't even use milk.
I'm as ungrateful as they come. But you know this already.