T | G | 10

In case you've stumbled here

2008-06-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new blog up for your enjoyment, so head on over:

http://eligieryna.com

I'll leave everything up here for the sake of nostalgia, but anything new will be posted on my brand-spanking-new site. Wordpress is so great.

Any concert, anywhere (a one-act play)

2008-06-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Cast of characters

Guy in plaid shirt #1

Guy in plaid shirt #2

Guy in plaid shirt #3

Guy in plaid shirt #4

Fat girl in black skirt

Apathetic Asian hipster

Creepy fan girl

Fan of the opening act

Normal person

Friend

Narrator (preferably voiced by Will Arnett)

Narrator: It's a Thursday night. We look over the floor of a local theater, as 1,700 fans await the arrival of that night's main act, The Red Sense Doorway. It has been 15 minutes since the opening band, Memory and the Burning, left the stage. The excitement builds and a buzz is starting to build above the crowd.

Guy in plaid shirt #2: [begins stomping feet as best he can, despite being pressed firmly against the stage by the milling crowd behind him]

Guy in plaid shirt #1: I'm so glad we got here early and are in the front row!

Guy in plaid shirt #4: I know! We're so close!

Guy in plaid shirt #3: I LOVE this band. Red Sense!

Guy in plaid shirt #2: [raises both arms above head] RED SENSE! RED SENSE! RED SENSE!

Guy in plaid shirt #4: Yeah! RED SENSE!

Narrator: The four plaid-shirted boys in the front row begin chanting part of the band's name in unison, in an effort to get the crowd excited. After 20 awkward seconds, the movement fails.

Fat girl in black skirt: [holding a mixed drink in a plastic cup and carrying a messenger bag over her shoulder, she pushes through the crowd of people to the third row, standing directly in front of someone who has been waiting for 90 minutes]

Normal person: Hey, excuse me, I've been waiting here for a long time, and I can't see over you.

Fat girl in black skirt: [whirls to face the normal person] Listen here, frat boy. I don't have to answer to you. I did not buy my tickets three months in advance to come here and take orders from some pretty boy wearing a polo shirt.

Normal person: Um, OK.

Fat girl in black skirt: [begins texting on her cell phone; Normal Person sees she is sending a message that says, "am in third row, right center, you can all come up here!"]

Apathetic Asian hipster: [shoves hands deep in pockets; stares.]

Guy in plaid shirt #2: This is so freakin' awesome! We're here!

Guy in plaid shirt #1: I know! In the front row!

Guy in plaid shirt #3: [puts his arms around #1 and #2] This is a great moment, fellas. This is fun! We're here, in this moment!

Guy in plaid shirt #4: It's like Garden State!

Guy in plaid shirt #5: [wipes shaggy hair away from his eyes] I love Natalie Portman.

Guy in plaid shirt #1: Seriously, her character in that movie would be the perfect girlfriend.

Narrator: The lights go dark. The crowd. It screams.

Guy in plaid shirt #3: OH MY GOD!

Narrator: Four men slowly wander onto the stage. The singer, a skinny 30-something man has dark hair, probably cut with a razor, that intrudes over the top half of his face. He is clearly disaffected by most everything happening around him.

Fat girl in black skirt: Jason! Jason! Ahhhhh!

Apathetic Asian hipster: [shoves hands deep in pockets; stares.]

Narrator: The band launches into "Ineffectual Meaning," the the first song from their new album. A deep, rumbling bass tensely builds atmosphere and the drummer pounds an ironically syncopated rhythm. The guitarist, his Les Paul slung low, slams his fist into an enormous E-minor power chord as the singer belts the opening lyrics.

Guy in plaid shirt #5: Oh my God! This is awesome!

Guy in plaid shirt #1: [takes lens cap off his SLR camera and begins taking, like, a billion pictures of the lead singer, presumably for a Facebook album that will be entitled, "Secretly Famous: Move, Shake, Move."]

Guy in plaid shirt #3: Whoooooooooooooooooo!

Fan of the opening band: [leaves]

Fat girl in black skirt: [notices her seven fat friends pushing their way through the crowd] Guys! Guys! Over here!

Narrator: Seven fat people push their way in front of those who have been standing for hours. Some of them groan in protest. But in the end, they do nothing. The plaid-shirted boys jump and shake the fists proudly at the stage for two hours, displaying their fervent public love for the band. The apathetic Asian hipster continues to stare. The fan of the opening band grabs a thickburger from Hardees on his way home.

It's any concert, anywhere.

Who knew?

2007-05-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

ESPN ran two stories today about NFL wide receivers.

1. Terrell Owens gave a wide-ranging interview that was basically about nothing. He said he didn't like Bill Parcells, he's glad he's gone, and that maybe it was good for them to lose in the playoffs when they did, because if they had gone further, they may not have a new coach. He also thinks he is portrayed unfairly in the media. The article then re-hashed the same old T.O. stories we've heard for the past year. Word count: 758 words, including a breakout quote and extra video footage.

2. Braylon Edwards is donating $1 million of his own money to start a scholarship foundation for students within the city of Cleveland. It requires students to maintain a 2.5 GPA and perform 15 hours of community service each year. The program will include mentoring and tutoring for each student. This comes on the heels of Edwards' decision last year to donate $500,000 to the University of Michigan to help fund scholarships for football players. Word count: 128 words and a head shot of Edwards.

Playing fare

2007-05-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

I was browsing ESPN.com and just happened to catch this caption. Who allows this to happen at the Worldwide Leader?

What team are you on, again?

2007-05-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

I put up the photo of Ben Wallace in a Pistons jersey because I don't want to look at him in a Bulls jersey anymore. Before last night's awful loss to the Pistons, Wallace arrived late to the United Center.

In a game that was described by everyone in Chicago (and elsewhere) as the Biggest Game of the Year for the Bulls, the captain of the team, the $60 million man, showed up late and offered an immediate distraction for the Bulls. And afterwards, he was anything but contrite about it when talking to the press.

"I don't care what people say. Go do what you do. I mean, I ain't got to explain myself to nobody. I'm not about to sit here and try to explain myself. That's the last thing I'm going to try to do."

The first thing he could try to do is play some better basketball. Aside from the amazing inarticulateness of his statement, I'm struck by his unbelievable attitude. What does he mean he doesn't have to explain himself to anyone? When you're the supposed veteran leader of the team, and you're making the most money of anyone on the team, you can show up on time for games. It's not hard. And if you make the mistake of being alte, at least pretend to be apologetic about it.

But he wasn't sorry. In fact, after the game (which saw the Bulls choke away a 19-point lead and get booed off their home floor) Wallace was seen in the tunnels hanging out with his former Pistons teammates, laughing and hugging and chatting it up. It's an obvious slap in the face to his teammates who has just lost a really tough game, and I'd be none too happy if I were in the Bulls locker room.

So what we're left with here is a 32-year old, 6-foot-9 center who has declining skills, a terrible attitude and probably still wishes he played for the Bulls' biggest rival. And he has three years left on a huge contract. Next year will probably be bad enough, but I have no idea if Wallace will be able to guard anyone or even get off the floor to grab a rebound by 2010. I don't even know if he'll want to. And if he doesn't want to exert any effort on the floor, who can make him try? Because he ain't got to explain himself to nobody. Which is probably OK, because no one can understand a damn word that comes out of his mouth anyway.

The Bulls are, partly because of Wallace's albatross contract, in a really tough spot for the next few years. John Paxson has constructed a very solid team -- but it's obviously a very flawed team, and that's been exposed by the Pistons. The Bulls rely totally on jump shots, the guards are too small and they have a hard time holding on to leads late in ballgames. The team is left with a core of Hinrich, Gordon, Deng and some other players, which is nice, but I'm not sure the Bulls can keep relying on internal improvements in order to win a championship.

As young as the team is, the window is going to be closing in the next year or two. And that's why I think Paxson needs to be making a move this summer to shake up the team a little bit. Some of that will depend on where the Knicks' lottery pick ends up, but I also don't think they can afford to be content with what they have. This series has made it very clear that what the Bulls have -- right now -- just isn't good enough.

Goodbye Jim and Pam; hello Jen and Tom!

2007-05-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office

NEW YORK— "We changed some language and cultural references to things our audience would understand," said producers, disputing the notion that the show could only work on NBC.

I swear, it's not what it looks like

2007-05-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

After one month, things looks crappy for the Cubs. They sit at 10-14 and are tied for last place in the division, 5.5 back of the Brewers. Carlos Zambrano has only had two good starts all year. Alfonso Soriano has driven in one run. The entire Cubs outfield has hit two home runs all year. The team finished April with an 0-6 record in one-run ballgames.

Wait.

That last stat. The 0-6 in one-run games part. That's a good thing. Really, I swear.

It's something that's always criticized by fans as a measure of several things (usually "clutch" or a team's bullpen) and used as a big measuring stick. They are right that it's a big measuring stick. It measures luck.

And that's why things aren't as bad as they look for the Cubs. History has shown that teams are likely to finish right around .500 in one-run ballgames -- the variables are so close that it just comes down to random chance. So far this year, the Cubs have had awful luck. If they had gone just 3-3 (the normal distribution) in those games, they'd have a 13-11 record. And there wouldn't be nearly as much panic in Chicago.

Another reason for optimism is the difference between runs scored and runs allowed. All a team can do is try to score as many runs as possible and allow as few as possible; how those are distributed across different ballgames is generally a matter of chance. The first-place Brewers have outscored their opponents by just three runs on the season. The Cubs have outscored their opponents by 21 runs. That's a pretty big statistical difference. In fact, the only teams in baseball that have a larger run differential are the Red Sox, Mets and Blue Jays.

So with all that, it's likely to get better for the Cubs, and it's likely to get better soon. I have a feeling that the Brewers will hang around all year because they have a nice balance of pitching and hitting, but they aren't going to run away with the division. In fact, no team will run away with the division, because there isn't anything in the Central that resembles a dominant team.

There's your hope, Cubs fans. Sorry that it's based in numbers and nerdiness.

Amped up

2007-04-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Eek.

Thank you, Isiah

2007-04-16T11:19:00.001-07:00

I ran the ESPN NBA lottery simulator this morning, just for fun. And this was the first result that I got (you can click for a larger version):

The edge of reason?

2007-04-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

The NFL Draft is coming up, which means that Mel Kiper slithers out of his chamber and loudly informs us which players will become the next Curtis Enis or Ryan Leaf. I was reading some previews of the draft and came across one in particular, on ESPN, entitled "The edge of reason."

The article is about how the three-year-old daughter of LSU coach Les Miles has a huge crush on JaMarcus Russell, the former Tigers' quarterback who could be drafted No. 1 overall.

Since this is a sports website, they actually talk more about Russell and why coaches and scouts view him as the best quarterback in the draft. He's 6-foot-6, weighs more than 250 pounds and can reportedly throw a football 80 yards. Therefore, he appears to be physically gifted. From the scouts, we get the typical talk about how they've never seen anyone who has the same physical gifts as Russell.

I think the word "never" should be banned from scouts' vocabulary. They say it all the time, and it's ... umm, never true.

Anyway, the best quote in the whole article comes from Brad Childress, the Minnesota Vikings coach:

"Have you seen his gosh darn hands?. They're huge. It's like the kid has an extra knuckle. Sure, there are lots of things I'd like to know about him. But physically, he's off the charts. It's exciting. You just simply can't deny his physical gifts. It all starts with that."

His hands are huge. Therefore, he will be an amazing quarterback.

I don't get it.

I don't get why physical gifts are now the most important aspect of any athlete when being drafted. I think it started in the NBA with all of the high-upside high schoolers who entered the draft in recent years, and it's now filtered over to the NFL and baseball.

Athleticism is great. You need to be athletic in order to succeed in athletics. But you still have to be able to perform finely-tuned tasks and have specific abilities in order to be good at the game. The fact that JaMarcus Russell has freakishly large hands will not help him in any way in the NFL, unless the league changes the game ball from an oblong pigskin to a 14-pound bowling ball.

The ESPN article has a great stat (from Football Outsiders) that says the greatest predictor of a quarterback's ability in the NFL is not his hands, or his arm strength, or his 40 time; it's the number of starts he made in college. In recent years, the quarterbacks with the most starts in college have been Philip Rivers (51), Donovan McNabb (49) and Carson Palmer (45). Russell made 29 starts in college, which places him among Rex Grossman, Joey Harrington and Akili Smith -- another physically gifted signal-caller who had "all of the tools" to succeed.

For the record, Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn made 46 starts in college, and was widely thought to be better than Russell up until the last game of the season. Before the Sugar Bowl, Russell had only thrown for more than 269 yards once in his junior season -- Quinn failed to reach that mark just twice last year.

So why do people in sports continually look past performance and focus on tools and upside? Just the other day, I was reading an article that talked about how athletic the Devil Rays are. The writer talked about how if baseball were to implement a decathlon competition, the Rays would win, hands-down.

That's pretty cool. Except, the Rays play baseball. And they suck at it.

I think that the biggest reason for this approach is just pure arrogance. Every coach thinks they can be the one to coax and teach a physically gifted player to become a star. It's why teams will reach for Russell over a sure thing like Calvin Johnson. It's why Vince Young was taken over Matt Leinart. It's the reason Darko Milicic was drafted ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and Kirk Hinrich.

I understand the idea of taking a higher risk player in some situations. I think the Bulls were OK in taking Tyrus Thomas last year; it was a weak draft and there were no players available that filled an immediate need for them, so they went with upside. But for teams who have holes all over the place, there's no reason to take a project when a safer bet is available.

I'm curious if this is going to continue, or if sports teams will eventually learn from all of the mistakes. Either we're going to see this trend eventually level off and GMs revert back to drafting players based on their actual ability, or it's only going to get worse, and we'll see football teams draft Olympic sprinters with no competitive football experience to play wide receiver.

Yeah, now that I think about it, this will probably keep getting worse. I can't wait until Jim Hendry drafts Justin Gatlin to replace Matt Murton.

King Felix, Lord of Men, Dwight Gooden

2007-04-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

I hate to add to the hype that now surrounds Felix Hernandez after his start last night in Boston, but ...

OhmyGod did anyone else see how he pitched against the Boston Red Sox lineup and Dice-K and with 350 media members watching his every move people thought that Matsuzaka was going to be the one to watch but no Felix proved them wrong because he has a 99 mph fastball and a 92 mph slider and a 12-to-6 curveball in the mid-80s which is just unfair and he had pinpoint control and David Ortiz who knows a goddamn thing or two about hitting said that he was "filthy" and he almost had a no-hitter until JD Drew broke it up with a single that just barely made it through the middle and this is the best stuff that I've ever seen except for maybe Dwight Gooden and this kid is another Dwight Gooden and maybe better especially if he can avoid arm injuries and drug problems and the Clap and I can't really breathe because hyperbole sucks the wind right from your lungs but this kid is good and I would be stunned to see him give up a run before June and he's basically a non-Jewish Latino right-handed Sandy Koufax but only younger and I can't wait to see what he does in his next start but I tell you right now that if he gives up more than two hits I'll eat my wingtip shoes.

• Alex Rodriguez, who is totally non-clutch (as if you need to be reminded), is lacing the cover off the baseball this season. He's hitting .355 with a .447 OBP, and he's racked up a 1.065 slugging percentage. He's got six home runs and has already driven in 16 runs. He currently has more home runs than 10 major league teams. Since small sample sizes are fun, if you extrapolate A-Rod's numbers over a full season, he's on pace for the following totals:

121 home runs
364 RBIs
203 runs

And they'd still boo him in New York.

While he won't continue that pace -- at least I don't think so -- it would be my greatest joy to see A-Rod hit 60 homers, drive in 150 runs, win the adoration of Yankees fans ... and then use the opt-out clause in his contract to bolt for free agency. They deserve it.

• The Bulls hammered the Knicks 98-69 the other night, and Steve Francis complained after the game that the Bulls ran up the score.

I always find these arguments interesting in pro sports, since we're no longer in Little League and grown men shouldn't really care how much they get beat by. Should the Bulls really be worried about Steve Francis' feelings? Hardly. They didn't play their starters at all in the fourth quarter and didn't score in the final two minutes. I don't think there was much of an effort to humiliate the Knicks. New York does a pretty good job of that on their own accord.

If anything, given how Isiah Thomas has recently tried to hype that he "got the better end" of the Eddy Curry trade, I think the Bulls should have pushed it further and tried to win by 50.

As a sidenote, Eddy Curry still can't guard anyone in the post. He's awful.

• Obligatory Don Imus note.

This is real. I repeat: This is real

2007-04-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not even going to provide commentary on this. Just a link and a quote. You make all the judgments you need.

Keith Richards: The day I snorted my father's ashes

He is the embodiment of rock and roll excess. But Keith Richards' latest admission is likely to surprise even his most hardened fans.

The Rolling Stones guitarist has told how he snorted his own father's ashes in a drugs binge.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," he said.

The 63-year-old detailed in a magazine interview how he mixed the ashes with cocaine and inhaled them.

"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.

"My dad wouldn't have cared - he didn't give a shit. It went down pretty well. And I'm still alive."

An overreaction

2007-04-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Early-season baseball is fun. You wind up with a lot of funny sample sizes and bizarre stats, as evidence by JR Radcliffe's post that gives out awards if the season ended today. Xavier Nady, eh?

However, while it's only been three games, as a Cubs fan, it's discouraging to see how Alfonso Soriano has performed so far. There's obviously tremendous scrutiny on him because of his ... sigh ... eight-year contract that totals $136 million. But so far, the Fonz has looked clueless at the dish. Part of the reason I was hopeful about his signing was the extra patience he showed last season when he set a career high in walks. This season, however, Soriano has swung early and often. He really looks like he's forcing things and not waiting for the right pitch to hit, which is what allowed him to have such a monster year in 2006.

It's early, of course. The performance isn't so much what bothers me, but the approach is worrisome. He's going to have to calm down and take a few pitches. And I suppose I probably should calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Also:

• I was watching Sportscenter this morning and they showed a highlight of Alex Rodriguez popping up with the bases loaded and the anchor said something to effect of "And his clutch struggles continue."

Can we please stop this? Last year, which was supposedly A-Rod's worst, saw him post the following splits:

Runners in scoring position: .302 AVG, .431 OBP, .508 SLG
RISP with 2 outs: .313 AVG, .495 OBP, .475 SLG
Bases loaded: .474 AVG, .500 OBP, .789 SLG

Looking at the numbers, he was actually at his worst with the bases empty. That doesn't sound very un-clutch now, does it?

• Further stupidity in sports journalism was Bill Simmons' running diary yesterday, specifically the two parts in which he ripped on JD Drew. He made it sound like Drew hasn't done anything so far this year, saying "yet another weak out from Drew."

So I checked into what Drew has done this year, thinking that he was off to a bad start in Boston.

Nope, Drew is hitting .400 with a .500 OBP. He's also got two doubles in just ten at-bats, so he's slugging a rosy .600.

What's the problem, Bill?

• The Office is back. And I'm hiring Dwight Schrute as my personal bodyguard.

"I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who’s a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That’s a hero. Also Bono."

Famous

2007-04-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wanted to read heavily-edited versions of my posts, you can do so in the Chicago Tribune.

Really.

That's all I've got.

Just an employee

2007-03-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, Mark Prior.

You ignorant slut.

You moping crybaby.

You brittle twit.

The Cubs sent you to the minor leagues to begin the season, and you decided to raise a stink about it.

He's not pulling a Lance Briggs or anything, but he did make the decision to be completely passive-aggressive about his demotion. The key line in here is Prior saying that he's "just another employee." Actually, he's not. Because if Mark were just another employee, he probably would have been fired by now.

I'm not sure what he expected from his spring. He spent the few starts he made last year getting hammered, and then he shows up this year throwing 84 mph and posting a 6.97 ERA. He also had nine walks against six strikeouts. That's what No. 4 starters on Little League teams do.

He spoke of the "progress" he's made, which I think means he's now throwing 87-89. As everyone but him remembers, the good Mark Prior throws 94-95 and doesn't walk batters. This spring, he's walked a batter every 1.1 innings; in his dominant 2003 season, he walked a batter every 4.2 innings. The command isn't there, the velocity isn't there, and his curve ball isn't breaking.

What did he expect?

Enjoy Iowa, Mark. I hear Des Moines has some nice restaurants. I'd especially recommend the Denny's on Euclid. I hear their bacon is extra crispy, if not overdone.

You know, like your career.

I speak, therefore it is done

2007-03-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, Kobe Bryant has been incredible lately. Perhaps you've been sidetracked by thrilling 55-49 NCAA Tournament games where teams miss 55 open jumpers and it gets called "defense," but if you've been paying attention to the sporting world, you've seen Kobe has been lighting up scoreboards all over the NBA.

However, the love for everyone's favorite ~~rapist~~ adulterer has maybe gone a bit too far. Someone employed by ESPN named Jemele Hill thinks that Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan.

The basis of her argument is three-fold:

1. Michael Jordan isn't necessarily a better person than Kobe, because MJ has done bad things too.
2. The league is better now than when Michael played.
3. Kobe is better as Michael.

Let's address these in order.

1. I don't know what this point has to do with anything, other than possibly making it easier for people to agree that Kobe is a better basketball player than Michael. Sorry, it still doesn't help me.

2. This. Is. Nuts. Completely insane. There are about four too many teams in the league right now, and the talent is completely watered down by 19 and 20-year old projects that teams have taken purely based on potential. When Michael played, guys like Tyrus Thomas were still in college, developing their skills and learning how to do things like move their feet and dribble the basketball without falling over. Now, the league is flooded with dozens and dozens of players who shouldn't be there. And Kobe has the opportunity to exploit and abuse them every single night. Michael wasn't able to do that nearly as frequently.

As for her point that athletes are faster and stronger now than when Michael played, it's all relative; Kobe is able to take advantage of the same training as everyone else.

3. This is something that afflicts sportswriters everywhere. They make a statement, and they then assume that since they have the power to put those words in print, it becomes true. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. You can't just say "Kobe is as good as Michael" and suddenly make it a fundamental truth. Also, Jemele loses all credibility when she says that Kobe is as good of a defender as Michael.

Let's look at some numbers. It'll be brief and painless, I promise.

Last season was Kobe's best year, at age 27. Per 40 minutes, he put up 34.6 points, 4.4 assists and 5.2 boards. Not bad, of course.

In Michael's age 27 season (not even his best year), he posted 40-minute rate stats of 34.0 points, 6.0 assists and 6.2 rebounds. He threw in THREE steals a game, to boot.

But here's where the glaring difference kicks in. Kobe shot 45 percent from the field. Michael (a guard, mind you) shot 54 percent from the field.

That's called efficiency, my friends. And that's why Kobe will never be as good as Michael. It doesn't matter how many points you score -- it's how they're scored. Even if you take away the clear advantages Jordan has in assists, rebounds and defense and boil it down to points, Kobe comes up short. If you let me stand out on an NBA floor and take enough shots, I could put up 50 points in a game. It might require me to take 115 shots, but I'd eventually get it done.

Now that I've used numbers and various kinds of logic to make my points, I will go ahead and make my decree: Kobe Bryant is not close to Michael Jordan. And he never will be.

A good luck post

2007-03-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

I write about a lot of sports on here, but I've always focused on the professional, non-familial version of that. I'm going to change that for one day at least.

My brother is going to the state tennis tournament. And I'm pretty proud of the kid. His name is Alex, he's pictured above, and he's a junior in high school. He has a killer forehand and a super-consistent serve. He's also cat-like quick on the court. However, the backhand could probably use some work, if I'm being honest here.

His record on the year is 21-4, with two of those losses coming against his own teammates from Galesburg at the conference and sectional meets (the two teams played each other in the championship match -- a rare accomplishment). The other two losses were against powerhouse suburban teams from near Chicago.

It was always my goal in high school to make it to state, but I came up one win short in my senior year. Now I can live vicariously through Alex. That's something, right?

So, best of luck to Alex tomorrow morning when he faces off against Niles West.

Note: I would be going to state to watch, but I have contracted dysentery and can't make the trip.

Crossroads

2007-03-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

JR is chastising me again. He says that I'll get my Internet license revoked if I let a third blog die, and he's probably right. It's hard to maintain a loyal readership of 3-8 people if you don't post regularly, so I appreciate everyone sticking with me.

The issue here is that I don't know what my blog should be. It doesn't need to be a pure Cubs blog (Hire Jim Essian and Desipio have that locked down). I don't watch enough television or movies to truly comment about that sort of thing. As for music tastes, I only listen to what Pitchfork tells me to like, so I don't need to talk about that.

Just kidding about that last part. I hope.

JR Radcliffe has his top-ten list niche, and that works well for him. Andrew Hershberger (still one of my favorite blogs) brings little recommendations to you to improve your life. I can't compete with that.

Should I write about the mundane details of my day-to-day existence? Do I just write about how much I hate Peter King and Bill Simmons? Do you want a journal of everything I eat for meals? What clothes I wear? Tips on how to dominate two fantasy sports, but hopelessly fail in football? Maybe lend some of my extensive knowledge of rutabaga gardening? Anyone want to write a collaborative blog? Should Flotsam be dug up from its grave?

That probably won't happen, by the way.

So I am asking you, loyal readers, to help. Tell me what to write. I will hang up now and listen for your answer.

Seeding perks

2007-03-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the higher seeds at the NCAA Tournament receive better hotel accommodations. Who knew?

I have an obsession

2007-03-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

I should just re-name my blog "I hate Bill Simmons."

I don't care if you're tired of hearing about it, but the fact that he's the world's most popular sports columnist drives me nuts.

Today, he writes 3,538 words to preview the NCAA Tournament, and doesn't offer a single piece of reasonable analysis during the entire article. He picks teams based on comments made by players to newspapers, the way their names sound and where he went to school. Oh, and of course, there's a few e-mails from his buddies. Did you know House is a Maryland fan? Great news. I wasn't aware.

Then, after all of that, he closes his column by saying that tomorrow we can expect his wife's picks.

This is the best that ESPN has to offer, apparently.

So you're telling me there's a chance

2007-03-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Right now, the Bulls have a 0.8 percent chance of landing the top pick in the NBA Draft. That's not good. I spend most of my time rooting against the Knicks, who aren't playing well and are banged up right now. As it stands, they have the 11th-worst record in the NBA, and I could see it getting worse by a spot or two before the season is over.

That would get the Bulls up to a 3.55 percent chance. That's still not good.

So if the Bulls don't land a top-3 pick, they fall to whatever spot in the draft the Knicks would have been. We're likely looking at a slot in the 7-10 range. Since Oden and Durant will be long gone, who should I be rooting for the Bulls to take?

As you know, I've sworn off college basketball simply for the sake of contrarianism, so I need my college-hoops-following friends to tell me who might be available and who might be exciting. Keep in mind that the Bulls are almost certainly going to take a post player, preferably one who can score.

Who's worth looking at? Al Horford? Spencer Hawes? Roy Hibbert? I'm assuming Joakim Noah and Brandan Wright won't be available.

Lend me your insight, please.

Trainwreck of the week

2007-03-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

Time for the first installment in my ~~weekly~~ whenever-I-feel-like-it feature called "Trainwreck of the Week." In it, I seek to honor the bad, the worse and the catastrophic. I apologize in advance if I eventually just talk about Cesar Izturis for the duration of the summer.

But for now, the trainwreck is the ludicrous plot and story of this season of '24.' Oh, how far you have fallen, you pandering television drama.

24 was never realistic; it was never revolutionary. I never pretended otherwise. But it was fun to follow, and most episodes had you perched on the front of your chair at some point (tangent: the word "perch" always makes me think of a bird, which makes me think of "The Raven", which makes me think about Edgar Allen Poe, which makes me think about alcoholism, nevermore).

While I have followed this season rather intently, it's mostly because it's just a weekly habit. Last night's episode continued the plunge of the show into babbling, incoherent madness. We saw Jack take former president Charles Logan to the Russian consul's compound in Los Angeles because Logan thought the consul could help him find a Russian terrorist who had nuclear weapons. After Logan talked to this particularly intense Russian, he told Jack that the Russian was definitely lying. So Jack then took it upon himself to go back into the compound, in violation of every international law, and torture the consul until he got the information about the Russian terrorist who was working with the Arab terrorist, all of which is somehow coordinated by Jack's own father. In the process, Jack cut off one of the consul's fingers.

Meanwhile, the president of the United States lies in a hospital after nearly being killed by a bomb.

Got it?

Yeah, me neither.

Last season was a nice, simple plot. There was nerve gas in the hands of terrorists. They wanted to let the nerve gas out in public, and Jack was trying to stop them. The twist was that there was a government conspiracy and the president was involved. Beyond that, you just got to watch Jack run around a lot and yell. The show made you interested in Edgar, the Logans and Christopher Henderson. Hell, even Rudy/Samwise was interesting for the time he was on the show. Now we're just left with Jack and Chloe. Everyone else is bland and worthless (though I am glad to see Logan back this season).

This season, Jack does some of that characteristic running and yelling, but we also don't know who he's going after. Is it the Arabs? The Russians? His dad? The moles within the U.S. government? Where is Audrey? Why did they have to kill Curtis? Where did Jack get that suit he was wearing last night? I mean, you can't just find a well-fitting suit anywhere. Since when does Jack speak convincing enough Russian to fool one of the compound's guards? Why was I glad that Palmer was hit by a bomb? Are we officially past watching Palmer's sister have to do anything? Where is Jack's daughter?

When a show kills off pretty much every interesting character for pure shock value, it better be left with a compelling story and plot. There's still time for 24 to regain one in the last 12 hours of the show, but as Jack would say, damn it, Chloe, time is running out!

Love Lou

2007-02-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

The Cubs released Lou Piniella's lineup for the first spring training game tomorrow. Here it is:

1. Alfonso Soriano
2. Matt Murton
3. Derrek Lee
4. Aramis Ramirez
5. Jacque Jones
6. Michael Barret
7. Mark DeRosa
8. Cesar Izturis
9. Jason Marquis

This is wonderful. He's got Murton hitting second, and the two worst hitters in the order batting 7th and 8th (Marquis is better hitter than Izturis). It's perfect. It makes sense. And after years of awful Dusty Baker lineups, it's refreshing.

In fact, the Cubs also released the order Dusty sent to Lou in an e-mail, as a "suggestion."

1. Neifi Perez
2. Tom Goodwin
3. Derrek Lee
4. Aramis Ramirez
5. Gene Clines
6. ~~Darren Baker~~ ~~Neifi Perez~~ Jacque Jones
7. Jose Macias
8. Michael Barrett
9. Jason Marquis

It's good to have you gone, Dusty.

I'm alive

2007-02-27T07:48:00.001-08:00

This is not an actual photo from Galesburg this weekend, but it might as well have been. I apologize for my week-long absence, and also for the fact that you had to look at a dreamy photo of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter each time you were here. Anyway, I choose to use bullet points to update you.

The weather was atrocious this weekend. I've never seen anything like it; there was a solid three inches of ice covering everything in Galesburg and tree limbs were down all over the city. By one estimate, at least half of the roads had some sort of limb blockage and almost 80 percent of the town was without power.
We, fortunately, did not lose power.
Julie visited this weekend, so she and I suffered through the start of this weather on a drive back from St. Louis, where we saw Guster with Welty. Guster was good; sliding around on an interstate wasn't so good. As an additional side note, The Pageant is an amazing concert venue.
Julie and I both got sick on Sunday, either from food poisoning or some sort of virus (probably the latter). On the bright side, we ate 30 crackers between us over two days, so we got a nice start on slimming down for our trip to Orlando in March. The episode gave me the idea to work on a book about dieting via controlled illness. I think it could work. Dieting Through Dysentery, perhaps?
On Thursday night, a crack developed across the width of my car windshield, probably stemming from a rock chip. Since October, I've hit a deer with my car, my dad backed it into a truck and now I have this unexplained crack on my windshield. I think the Corolla is cursed, and I'm probably going to explore getting a new car.
Speaking of cursed, the Cubs (like that transition?) are in full spring training mode and Mark Prior is probably hurt. But the Cubs say there's nothing wrong and that we have no reason not to believe them. Anyone who has followed the team during the past three years knows how insulting this is. I'll complain more about this later.
"24" is a pretty crappy television show. I hope Wayne Palmer dies, or is at least rendered mute so I never have to listen to him talk again. He. Has. So. Much. Passion. That. He. Grits. His. Teeth. And. Growls. Even. When. It. Doesn't. Make. Any. Sense. To. Do. So.
The Bulls didn't add anyone at the trade deadline and still don't have a post presence. I'll complain more about this later.
I played Guitar Hero for the first time while visiting Welty. It haunted my dreams for two nights. Cowboys from Hell!
This final bullet point is to apologize for the extremely boring nature of this post. I'll get back to snarky commentary as soon as I'm able. And as soon as I can eat a full meal again.

As the Bronx turns

2007-02-19T11:04:00.001-08:00

Tim Hardaway will be pleased to know that Alex Rodriguez says that he and Derek Jeter are no longer close.

"We were best of friends about 10, 13, 14, years ago, and we still get along well. We have a good working relationship. I cheer very hard for him. He cheers hard for me. And most importantly, we're both trying to win a world championship."

That's nice.

"The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us. You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."

I'm giggling.

It's spring training. There are dozens of fantastic storylines that the press can follow. However, we're subjected to a long-winded article about the friendship of two athletes that most of the country dislikes.

Wake me when they get in a fight, or get married, or something.

Caption this

2007-02-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

Now it's interesting

2007-02-15T07:24:00.001-08:00

I found myself bored by the John Amaechi coming-out story that has been on the news recently. Aside from a mildly questionable reaction from LeBron James, there hasn't been much to report other than a former journeyman NBA player coming out in order to make some cash.

But now we get this. Tim Hardaway, who was previously best-known for the most devastating crossover in basketball, is now just known as a horrible, ignorant homophobe.

Let's take a look at what Timmy has to say about gay people.

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

Other than the obvious problems with this statement, I like that he somehow separates the United States from the rest of the world.

"And second of all, if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him because, uh, I don't think that's right. And you know I don't think he should be in the locker room while we're in the locker room. I wouldn't even be a part of that."

Yikes.

Of course, at the end of the article, we're left with the note that Hardaway has since apologized for his remarks.

"Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake."

That's the least sincere apology since David Carradine apologized to Uma Thurman and then shot her in the head.

Regardless, it's unfortunate that Hardaway feels this way. And it's unfortunate that he feels it's OK to say these things, then try and wipe it away with a lame sentence or two. And most of all, it's unfortunate that there are hundreds of millions of people out there who feel exactly the same way Tim Hardaway does.

The day the laughter died

2007-02-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

I saw this movie advertised on TV last night, and the voiceover called it "the comedy event of the spring."

This is going to be a terrible spring.

Zambrano asks for money, walks three hitters

2007-02-13T07:50:00.000-08:00

Carlos Zambrano, who I once thought could do no wrong, has done some wrong.

This is the first spring training in several years where people have actually had a reason to be excited about the Cubs, and maybe even a little reasonably hopeful. There's a new manager and a bunch of new players, and there's some reason for optimism heading into spring training.

But Carlos Zambrano had to open his mouth about how he's going to leave the team at the end of the year if Carlos Zambrano doesn't get his money. It's selfish, it's misguided and it's irresponsible.

There's no point in him coming out before the season and making threats like this to the general manager. What exactly does that accomplish? All it does it make everyone nervous, and puts tremendous pressure on Jim Hendry to sign him immediately.

Maybe if Carlos Zambrano wants his big payday, Carlos Zambrano should stop walking 115 batters per season. And maybe he'd win more ballgames if he could get through 8 innings without throwing 120 pitches.

Tidbits from a league no one cares about

2007-02-12T08:52:00.000-08:00

• Nice work by Gilbert Arenas last night, totally ~~following through on~~ botching his prediction that he'd score 50 points against the Blazers. Arenas managed a sterling nine points as the Wizards lost to the Blazers.

After the game, Wiz coach Eddie Jordan has some choice words for Arenas.

"Leadership is something that's very special. Very special. And we don't have that. But Antawn [Jamison] has that, and that's why he's the only captain on the team. I've tried to have name guys the last couple of years be captains, and it doesn't work, because they don't have the qualities."

At the time he made the prediction, I thought it was great showmanship, but it didn't really turn out that way. Poor Gilbert.

Since an absolutely torrid first few months to the season, Arenas has tanked as of late. In February, he's shooting 31 percent from the field and his assists are down to just four per contest. He's also resorted to jacking up an incredible amount of three-pointers, Hibachi-ing almost nine per game.

I'm sure he'll bounce back, but he's horrendous to watch right now.

• Ricky Davis smacked his former team in the face last night, drilling a jumper with 0.2 seconds left to win it for the Timberwolves. Ricky was thrilled. So were the Celtics, who have now lost 18 straight and have the leg up on Greg Oden or Kevin Durant.

• John Amaechi is gay! Gay, you hear me! And retired! Wait. Tell me again why this is such a big story?

• The Bulls looked pretty good last night (except for about five minutes in the third quarter) in beating the Steve Nash-less Suns. Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon combined to score 85 points and get a much-needed road win.

After taking more time to digest the Pau Gasol talk, I've decided that Gordon is the one that has to be traded. Hinrich and Deng do too much defensively -- Deng completely shut down Shawn Marion last night -- and they can score in too many ways to let them go. Hinrich runs the offense, and Deng is seriously about five minutes away from being a superstar. Gordon is a pure scorer, which is great, but he's totally reliant on the jumper and he doesn't distribute as well as he should.

Sorry, little Ben. Enjoy Memphis.

The bearded Spaniard

2007-02-10T07:09:00.001-08:00

When you're a Chicago sports fan, your sports lessons mostly center around disappointment and frustration. Personally, the Cubs made me an expert in the first one, and the Bears (Rex Grossman, specifically) do a good job of honing the frustration factor.

But I think it's the Bulls that best combine the two.

After last night's 123-121 overtime loss to the Golden State Warriors, I realized that the Bulls probably just aren't that good.

There's the disappointment.

And after some thought, I couldn't exactly figure out why they weren't better.

Cue frustration.

The worst part about this team is the horrendous home-road disparity. Coming into the season, Scott Skiles preached that the Bulls had to take care of business on their home court, and then let the road wins come to them. They've done the first part, going 20-6 at the United Center. But they're 8-17 away from Chicago, which is the worst disparity in the league (though Toronto is close with an 18-7/9-16 split).

Maybe I'm mistaken, but aren't all basketball courts the same? Does Skiles need to whip out the tape measure and pull a Hoosiers-style measurement, letting everyone know that the baskets are ten feet tall at every arena in the league?

On second thought, that might help Tyrus Thomas.

Looking at the makeup of the team, they've got key elements in place. Kirk Hinrich is having his most efficient season, shooting better and distributing the ball. Luol Deng has emerged as one of the best slashers and mid-range shooters in the Eastern Conference. And Ben Gordon, while a bit inconsistent, is easily having his best season. Ben Wallace, despite being a general bust, is still an asset on defense.

So what's missing? There's got to be something missing that every single championship team has ever had.

Okay, brief correction. The late-90s Bulls didn't really have it, but they had Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, so they don't count.

But most great NBA teams have an inside presence. And the Bulls don't.

It's not even that their inside options are simply mediocre. The Bulls flat out don't have any inside options. None. Ben Wallace is a total offensive catastrophe. PJ Brown has one post move, and that's the one where he spins to his left and gets his shot blocked. Michael Sweetney can't play more than six minutes at a time, and has trouble catching the basketball, usually because he has a Reuben sandwich in one hand. Tyrus Thomas has all the offensive prowess of an intoxicated Craig Ehlo.

These problems became apparent last night when the Bulls needed a score and worked the ball down low to Wallace, who dribbled with his back to the basket for five full seconds, then spun and launched a 12-foot fadeaway jumper that barely drew iron.

Not the way to win a ballgame.

Fortunately, for the Bulls, there's a great low post option available. He's Spanish, he's got a beard and his first name is comprised of 66 percent vowels.

For the record, I am not Spanish, nor do I have a beard. But I can still score on the block better than Ben Wallace.

It's Pau Gasol, and John Paxson needs to go and get him. I'm convinced that Pax is just waiting around until Memphis' offer comes down, but he already has in mind what he's willing to give up. There's some speculation that the deal could get done without giving up Hinrich, Deng or Gordon, but I find myself skeptical of that.

Deng is the most expendable, despite oddly being the best player of the three. But Memphis doesn't need a small forward, and probably would want Hinrich or Gordon. I say give 'em up.

Sure it's a risk to give one of those guys up and insert Chris Duhon into the lineup, but something needs to happen. By signing Ben Wallace for $60 million, the Bulls made the decision to try and win soon; it can't be done with a team totally reliant on jump shots.

Unless the Bulls can convince Jordan to come back out of retirement, they're not winning without someone in the post. And Jordan isn't coming back.

Though I bet he could still put up 18 a night.

If he died, I'd be okay with that

2007-02-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

Rush Limbaugh thinks that the media is being unfair to Rex Grossman simply because he's white.

Really.

So, there's that.

This is just ridiculously early

2007-02-06T12:41:00.000-08:00

Football's over. And I'm sort of glad, because that means that baseball is up next, and that's what really matters. So I present to you JR and Eli's way-too-early picks (have I mentioned that it's the first week of February?!) for the upcoming major league baseball season. So sit back and read all about baseball, a full month before you even wanted to. Sigh. This could take a while.

American League East Winner
JR says: Toronto
Why not start as irrationally as possible? They were 10 games behind the Yankees for the top spot last year, but very quietly took second in the East, a game ahead of Boston. I simply love the way they are building their team, taking low-risk flyers on folks like John Thomson and Tomo Ohka, both extremely quality pitchers if they're healthy. Roy Halladay is a freak when healthy, and I sense a bit of a comeback season from AJ Burnett. Their infield is underwhelming, but their outfield has potentially two frontline studs in Wells and Rios, and having Frank Thomas in the middle of the lineup will compensate for any power shortage from the infield. The Yankees might have the best outfield in baseball, but they're quickly becoming the aging San Francisco Giants of the East, and their pitching staff is becoming devoid of surefire wonders. But who am I kidding, they'll probably win the East.

Eli says: Boston
It only makes sense. The team wasn't that far away last season, and they've had the best offseason of any American League team. I won't deny that there are potentially serious bullpen issues, but the starting rotation is headlined by Curt Schilling, Jon Papelbon, Josh Beckett and Daisuke Matsuzaka. All four of those pitchers have No. 1 starter potential. And how can Boston be mentioned without the offense? JD Drew is an OBP monster and will fit nicely among Manny and Ortiz. Don't forget, Julio Lugo, Kevin Youkilis, Coco Crisp, Jason Varitek and Wily Mo Pena are all threats in the lineup. If Boston adds Roger Clemens mid-season, it's all but over. Toronto gets some sleeper consideration, but I don't think they have the offensive talent to match up with the other clubs in the division. Especially Baltimore. What?

American League Central Winner
JR says: Detroit
I had every intention of dogging the Tigers' chances of doing what they did in 2006, but they still have one thing that I'm not convinced the other teams in the crowded Central have: pitching. Joel Zumaya has sophomore slump written all over him, especially if he keeps playing Guitar Hero, but Verlander, Bonderman, Robertson and Maroth are still around, with some peak years among them, and Kenny Rogers and Jose Mesa will give plenty of wise sage advice where necessary. Virtually nothing from last year's team has departed, whereas I'm not in love with any of the other Central pitching staffs (Minnesota has the guns, but RAMON ORTIZ?). Sleeper to watch is the one disappointing team last year: Cleveland.

Eli says: Minnesota
The Twins were the best team in this division -- by far -- after June last year, and I only expect it to continue into this season. The pitching staff is headlined by not only the best 1-2 punch in baseball, but possibly the best two pitchers in baseball. Yes, I think Francisco Liriano is that good (Postscript: he's also a big pansy and is missing the 2007 season without telling me; everything I have written above is rendered moot, unless you want to say that Johan Santana and Boof Bonser are the best 1-2 punch in baseball. And sure, why not? All hail Boof!). The bullpen is anchored by rock-solid Joe Nathan and a cast of strong setup men. And the offense, which was fine last season, is young and continually improving. If Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau continue to improve, the Twins could grow into the best team in baseball. The White Sox and Tigers are going to continue to regress, and neither club did enough in the offseason to improve. In fact, it appears as if the White Sox got worse. On purpose. That should be a fun summer on the South Side.

American League West Winner
JR says: Anaheim.
Nothing solid other than a hunch here. Vlad Guerrero was obviously not fully healthy last year, else his numbers would have been closer to the insane career norms he has. Pitching had injury problems, namely to Bartolo Colon, and I like how this team has proven veterans mixed in with one of the game's greatest farm systems. John Lackey is one of the best pitchers in baseball that nobody talks about.

Eli says: Oakland
Sure. It's true. I have a rabid, mostly heterosexual crush on Billy Beane. But it's hard to argue with the man's results since he took over in Oakland. The team just continues to get it done. They lost Barry Zito to a criminally insane contract, but I think they'll be able to overcome it; a staff headed by Dan Haren, Rich Harden and Joe Blanto isn't anything to sneeze at. Blanton had a miserable 2006 season and should rebound to post solid numbers. The offense is paced by the A's never-ending stable of young studs and they're counting on internal improvement to get them back into the playoffs. The return of Bobby Crosby at shortstop will help immensely. I won't totally rule out the Angels, not with Howie Kendrick being a threat to hit .330. With a .338 OBP. Okay, I'm sticking with the A's.

Wild Card
JR says: New York. (I'm not THAT stupid.)
Eli says: New York. (Too much offense to be left out.)

American League Awards
MVP: Travis Hafner, Cleveland (JR)
Alex Rodriguez, New York (Eli)

Cy Young: Johan Santana, Minnesota (JR)
Johan Santana (Eli)

Rookie of the Year: Matt Garza, Minnesota (JR)
Daisy Matsuzaka, Boston (Eli)

First to get steroid suspension: Delmon Young, Tampa Bay (JR)
Travis Hafner, Cleveland (Eli)

Breakout player: John Lackey, Anaheim (JR)
Alex Gordon, Kansas City

First manager fired: Sam Perlozzo, Baltimore (JR)
Ozzie Guillen, Chicago (Eli)

National League East Winner
JR says: Philadelphia
This assumes Ryan Howard avoids the post-breakout blues and continues to mash. Signing Chase Utley long term was a nice thing, and the thing I loved about the Phillies last year was that they performed well after trading away regulars like Bobby Abreu and David Bell (not that the latter one hurt all that badly). They seem to have a surplus of pitching (Myers, Garcia, Moyer, Hamels, Eaton, Lieber) that will pay off given an injury and they're solid across the board offensively.

Eli says: New York
David Wright says hello, JR. So do Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, Tom Glavine and Billy Wagner. Lastings Milledge would also chime in, but he's getting ready to swing at every pitch thrown anywhere near him. It's tempting to pick against the Mets for being too old in certain areas, but the fact is that there's simply too much talent left on the roster to discount them yet. The rotation is a little bit thin, but they do have some high-upside depth in John Maine, Mike Pelfrey and Oliver Perez. And for the record, since we're going with the early theme, I'm already picking the Marlins to win this division in 2008.

National League Central Winner
JR says: Houston
What a horrible division. I really want to pick the improved Brewers or the vastly improved (if not overpaying) Cubs, and I don't like Houston because their pitching is somewhat suspect after Roy Oswalt. Then again, they've had good luck with some stop gaps like Wandy Rodriguez and Taylor Buchholz in the past, and Roger Clemens could very well be on his way back in mid-May. Even if Carlos Lee is atrocious defensively, they have that masher in the middle of the order to accompany Berkman, and given their park, I would say the team will have its share of long balls. I almost pick this team as a de facto winner, even with perennial power St. Louis in the mix. Kip Wells will be their No. 3 starter on Opening Day. Not even Houston is in that big of a hole.

Eli says: Chicago
Well, I've gone and done it. After cursing this team for the past two years, swearing them off for good and muttering about picking a team with my brain and not my heart ... here I am. I'm picking the Cubs. But really, it's hard to argue that they don't have the most top-to-bottom talent in the division. They have three monsters in the middle of the order (Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano), and Jacque Jones, Matt Murton and Michael Barrett make nice complementary players. Hell, even Cliff Floyd serves a nice purpose, as long as he's healthy. The bullpen is stacked 1-6, with Ryan Dempster possibly being the worst pitcher in the 'pen. Carlos Zambrano is a stud, Rich Hill is ready to break out, and Ted Lilly provides efficient, solid innings. For the last two spots, the Cubs finally have depth, being able to choose from Jason Marquis, Mark Prior or Wade Miller to fill those. And, of course, the other part of the equation is that the rest of the division is terrible. But as the Cardinals showed last year, you just gotta get into the playoffs. And have a midget for a shortstop. In case you're wondering, Cesar Izturis is only 5-foot-7. And I hear he's been working on his grit all winter down in Venezuela.

National League West Winner
JR says: San Diego
It's going to be a spirited battle between the Padres and Dodgers. The latter has Penny, Lowe, Schmidt, Billingsley and Wolf with an impressive bullpen that includes Saito and Broxton. But the Padres have the best pitching in the league, with Peavy, Young, Maddux, Wells, Hensley, Thompson and Stauffer, along with bullpen studs Hoffman, Linebrink and Meredith. Throw in an extra Giles and you have some decent offensive positions ... but the problem is that nobody will be scared of their lineup unless Kevin Kouzmanoff and Adrian Gonzalez reveal themselves to be power-swatting studs. The Dodgers have slightly more to work with offensively.

Eli says: Los Angeles
This division also sucks. Man, every team I root for players in an inferior league. Cubs, Bears, Bulls. What's the deal? Anyway. Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Jason Schmidt and Chad Billingsley is a nice start to a rotation. Heck, the fifth starter spot is held by Randy Wolf, which was a brilliant risk by Ned Colleti --he could wind up being the best bargain of the offseason. In fact, it's entirely possible the Dodgers could have the best pitching in the National League this year (once again, the National League sucks). I would have L.A.'s chances better if they hadn't allowed Juan Pierre to be anywhere near their team, but they still have some offensive talent with Rafael Furcal, Andrea Ethier, Nomar Garciaparra and Luis Gonzalez. Haha. I'm just kidding about that last one. He's terrible.

Wild Card
JR says: New York. (Fine. I hate your team. But I love your players.)
Eli says: Philadelphia. (The National League is awful.)

National League Awards
MVP: David Wright, New York (JR)
Ryan Howard, Philadelphia (Eli)

Cy Young: Chris Young, San Diego (JR)
Carlos Zambrano, Chicago (Eli)

Rookie of the Year: Troy Tulowitzki, Colorado (JR)
Lastings Milledge, New York (Eli)

First to get steroid suspension: Daryle Ward, Chicago (JR)
Prince Fielder, Milwaukee (Eli)

Breakout player: Clay Hensley, San Diego (JR)
John Patterson, Washington (Eli)

First manager fired: Jerry Narron, Cincinnati (JR)
Clint Hurdle, Colorado (Eli)

Number of wins for Roger Clemens: 6 (JR)
8 (Eli)

Date of Ken Griffey Jr's year-ending injury: July 12 (JR)
June 2 (Eli)

Thumbs down

2007-02-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

Rex Grossman. This is an obvious no-brainer, of course. Grossman's performance wasn't Tony Eason terrible, but it was pretty putrid. He threw two interceptions and lost a fumble, in addition to fumbling again for a 12-yard loss. The first interception he threw was particularly egregious, and not just because it was returned for a touchdown. He dropped back and threw the ball twice as high as he did far, looking much like a kid playing "500" with his friends in the street. Unfortunately, Rex wasn't hit by a car.

Ron Turner. Turner shares almost as much blame as Grossman, with some of the most bland play-calling Bears fans have seen since the days of John Shoop. He continually called plays that featured nothing but flat routes and long routes -- there was no in-between. Grossman is most effective when he hits slants across the middle and uses the tight end. Turner didn't utilize that last night, and by doing so, he failed to put his quarterback in the best position to succeed.

Adewale Ogunleye. Where were you last night? I see your brother was cheering for you from Staton Island, but you didn't even lay a finger on Peyton Manning. Have fun playing behind Mark Andersen next year.

Peyton Manning's tango skills. Check out this YouTube video of Manning doing the tango in 8th grade. The neck-bob part is especially great. He looks like a bird on a pogo stick.

The Super Bowl commercials. I know I'm not saying anything new here, but the ads were pretty terrible this year. I liked the Snickers accidental kiss commercial, and the Oprah/Letterman ad was probably my favorite. Other than that, it was pretty terrible. Then again, it's hard to enjoy commercials when your favorite team is getting punched in the mouth for three hours.

Rex Grossman. Oh, I already mentioned you? Sorry. Just wanted to make sure. Thanks for making me looking like an idiot.

Devin Hester. Why can't you figure out a way to play quarterback and wide receiver at the same time? Hack.

Vomit

2007-02-04T10:11:00.001-08:00

The prediction

2007-02-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

This is it. After going 5-1 in the playoffs, the Mainstream Media Calculator™ is back to choose one final game. I made a few tweaks to the formula, so hopefully it can give me a more accurate result. Granted, the outcomes have been okay, but the scores haven't been too close. Let's see what it spits out for this game.

Super Bowl XLI
Indianapolis Colts vs. Chicago Bears
Formulaic values: Peyton Manning big game + Rex Grossman sucks + Rex Grossman stinks + Rex Grossman is inconsistent + Rex Grossman can lose this game + Rex Grossman is awful at football + Rex Grossman will throw seven interceptions + Bob Sanders is the heart and soul of the universe + the '85 Bears love attention + Lovie Smith + Tony Dungy + yup, still black + Marvin Harrison hates the media + Brian Urlacher is ready to hit someone in the mouth + South Beach distractions + Maybe like Peyton Manning's team, maybe + Rex Grossman still sucks + so does the city of Indianapolis.
MMC says: Bears 27, Colts 20
Breakdown: Aside from all of the Rex Grossman criticism, the other big story of the week has been Indy's defense. Most people seem to think that it's suddenly turned into a good one because of its playoff performance. However, this line of thinking ignores the terrible showing against the Patriots, forgets that Baltimore's offense is bad and sweeps under the rug the fact that the Chiefs had a terrible gameplan going into the wild-card game.

But other than that, yes. The Colts defense is pretty strong.

I think the Bears will be able to put up some points in the game. I know Bob Sanders has been a nice boost against the run, but he is not the sole reason the Colts are allowing 100 rushing yards less in the playoffs. He's also a super-aggressive safety, and the Bears run the play-action pass as well as any team in football. If they can establish the run with any authority early in the game, Grossman will be able to pick his spots and grab big chunks of yardage. And that, in a vicious, Colt-kicking cycle, will keep the run open.

The only question is if the Bears can contain Peyton Manning. And honestly, I have no idea if they can. He's usually his own worst enemy -- if he's calm and collected, he can pick apart any defense, even the Bears. But if he doesn't have immediate success, he will force things and we might see Nate Vasher streaking 50 yards to the end zone for a pick-six.

Ooh, that makes me happy just thinking about it.

Overall, I do feel pretty confident about the Bears. Grossman won't be as bad as everyone is expecting (which I think is 9-for-25 for 140 yards and three interceptions) and Manning isn't going to throw for 400 yards. I'd be surprised if it wasn't a pretty even contest.

It's going to be fun. I'm ready to go.

Go Bears.

Locked and loaded

2007-02-02T07:21:00.001-08:00

Quotes from Super Bowl preview articles:

1. "At times, Grossman been hot. More times, he's been cold."
-John Clayton

2. "Rex Grossman made some plays he had to make against the Saints, but I still think they're going to try and limit his throws. There's no way Chicago wants him throwing more than 25 times."
-Don Banks

3. "One of the uglier questions this week has been, "Is Grossman the worst ever Super Bowl QB?" It's unfair but he has himself to blame."
-Dr. Z

4. "I haven't talked to one person who thinks the Bears can win. Not one."
-Bill Simmons

Boy, it's hopeless being a Bears fan before they play the impenetrable, dominating machine that is the Indianapolis Colts. A team that stumbled into the playoffs. A team that lost to the Houston Texans. A team that allowed a historic number of rushing yards. A team missing its starting cornerback. I'm just glad that they're going to give the Bears the common courtesy of 60 full minutes on the field with this unbeatable juggernaut.

However, despite the dominance of the Colts, there are problems with those italicized statements.

1. This is flat-out wrong. Grossman has had 10 games this season with a QB rating above 80, and two more games in the 70s. That's 12 non-terrible games.

2. Of the Bears' 18 games this season, Grossman has thrown fewer than 25 times in just three of them.

3. Saying that it's unfair, but it's also Grossman's fault doesn't make any sense. It can't be unfair if it's his fault.

4. This is meaningless. The only people who will even talk to Bill anymore are House, Hench, J-Bug and his geriatric father.

Grossman lashed out yesterday -- finally -- by calling reporters "ignorant" for their constant badgering and criticism of him this week. He's clearly pissed off, and I don't see how he can be blamed for that; he's handled it a lot better than most people would have. Probably 70 percent of the questions asked of him have been about how bad of a quarterback he is. The other 30 percent of questions are about the questions he receives about how bad of a quarterback he is. Questions about how he's not Peyton Manning.

Peyton Manning is in his ninth year as an NFL quarterback. His first season's QB rating was 71.6 Grossman is in his first full season. His QB rating is 73.9. His record as a starter is 20-5.

20-5! It's nothing to sniff at. He's doing at least a few things right.

While I always root hard for the Bears, I'll be rooting especially hard for Rex on Sunday. I want him to blow the Colts out of the water, not just so the Bears win, but so everyone will finally get off his back. I want him to throw for 380 yards. I want him to toss four touchdowns. I want him to abuse Bob "Heart and Soul" Sanders in coverage.

I'm still not even sure that would make his doubters back off. But it won't matter, because the Bears will win the Super Bowl if that happens. And while respect is nice, the Bears probably won't get it no matter what they do.

So they'll just have to settle for a title. Ho hum. Something tells me they'll be just fine with that.

Football for nerds

2007-02-01T13:55:00.000-08:00

The folks over at Desipio have been running simulations of the Super Bowl on WhatIfSports.com, and it's been pretty interesting to see the results. The site allows you to match up any two teams -- from any era -- in a simulated game and see what the outcome would be. I thought I'd go ahead and try my own simulation for Sunday's game, and post the results here. No human seems to think the Bears can win, so what about a computer?

I set the game at Pro Player Stadium, of course, and since the forecast calls for rain, we're set at 65 degrees, occasional light rain and winds gusting up to 20 mph. Going from the box score, here's how Super Bowl XLI came out:

First quarter: Slow moving for game many thought would be high-scoring. Each team has two drives, and they end in punts. The Colts offense seems stagnant, never gaining more than a few yards at a time, if that. The Bears have some success moving the ball on the ground, but don't put anything on the board. However, the quarter ends with the Bears driving down behind Cedric Benson, sitting at the Indianapolis 13 as time expires.

Second quarter: The quarter opens with the Thomas Jones coming in and running for eight yards, and the Benson punching it in from 5 yards out for the score. The extra point is good and the Bears lead 7-0. The Colts, however, immediately answer on the next drive as Peyton Manning takes just four pass plays to score, ending in an 11-yard score to Marvin Harrison. Game tied, 7-7.

The Bears then respond by mounting a long drive that gets them down to the 11, where Robbie Gould boots a 28-yard field goal through the uprights. The key play is a 32-yard run by Cedric Benson, who is having a huge first half. Bears lead 10-7. The Colts once again respond, taking the ball downfield and settling for a 36-yard Adam Vinatieri field goal to knot the game at 10 with 1:47 left in the half.

The Bears, proving this is an extremely accurate simulation, go three-and-out on three inexplicable pass plays, giving the ball back to the Colts with plenty of time left. I will kill you, Ron Turner.

The Colts, behind Manning's arm, begin driving downfield. 14-yard pass to Dominic Rhodes, 10 yard out to Reggie Wayne. However, we get to glimpse Manning's playoff demons as he throws an interception to Lance Briggs at the Bears' 28. With just 11 seconds left, the Bears run out the clock. Lovie doesn't call a timeout with two seconds left.

Halftime score: 10-10.

Third quarter: The Bears open the second-half with some trickery, running a reverse to Bernard Berrian for a short gain. Grossman then nails Muhsin Muhammad for a 24-yard strike and the Bears are rolling. After a few short runs, Grossman proves everyone in the world right, and throws an interception to Mike Doss and the Colts take over.

The Colts don't take advantage of the turnover, and the teams trade punts. Then, with 6:39 left in the third, Charles Tillman picks off Manning and returns the ball to the Indy 47. Grossman promptly hits Muhammad for a 20-yard gain, and the Bears settle for a field goal. Bears 13, Colts 10.

Fourth quarter: Drama! The final quarter opens up with Manning hitting Wayne for an 18-yard gain. Joseph Addai follows with a 24-yard run to give the Colts 1st and goal. After a wasted screen pass to Harrison, Addai slips into the end zone and gives the Colts a 17-13 lead with 11:47 left in the game.

We see two Peyton Manning commercials on the simulated commercial break.

The Bears take the kickoff and return it to the 35 for good field position. Thomas Jones opens the drive with a big run, and Berrian hauls in a pass on the next play to give the Bears a chance for a field goal. The drive stalls, and Gould kicks through a 44-yard field goal to bring the Bears within one point, 17-16

The Colts go three-and-out and turn the ball back over the Bears with 6:37 remaining. Rex Grossman walks onto the field with a chance to pretty much shut up the world. He goes to work and hits Muhammad (again) for a 17-yard net. Then he drills Berrian in the numbers for a 19-yard gain. After a Thomas Jones' run gets the ball down to the Indianapolis 8, Grossman hits Berrian in the end zone for a touchdown. Eli dances around his living room, and the Bears go for the two-point conversion. They get it and now lead 24-17 with 2:03 left.

Is it John Elway time for Peyton Manning? Dan Marino time? Kordell Stewart time? God, I hope so.

The Colts get the ball back and the first play is a run by Rhodes for a four-yard gain. Addai then runs for another four yards to the Colts' 34. The Colts call timeout. Manning overthrows Dallas Clark on third down, and a run by Addai on fourth down isn't enough. Oops. Turnover on downs.

The Bears get the ball back and try to run out the clock for a Super Bowl win. Jones carries for no gain. Colts' timeout. On the next play, Jones takes a short pitch from Grossman and breaks through to score a game-sealing 39-yard touchdown.

Eli dances more. And more. And more and more and more.

Bears win, 31-17.

Take notice

2007-02-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

Kevin Durant is good.

Have you heard?

Texas' all-galactic freshman dropped in 37 points last night and hauled down 23 rebounds while the Longhorns beat Texas Tech. He's only the second player in the history of the Big 12 to post a 30-20 game, with the other being Mario Boggan, who needed triple overtime to get it done.

Kevin Durant is good.

You know it, I know it, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. Though judging from his quote after the game, maybe he's still unconvinced.

"Who me? Oh, I didn't even know I did that. I really wasn't worried about my stats or my rebounds or points. I just wanted to win."

Uh huh.

False modesty or not, you're looking at the best player in college basketball. He's some sort of otherworldly mix of Garnett's all-around game, Dirk's shooting touch and Amare's explosiveness (hello, Eli; meet hyperbole). Check out his numbers to this point:

25 points
11.5 rebounds
2.2 three-pointers
49 percent from the floor
83 percent from the line
1.5 steals
1.7 blocks

In conference play, he's averaging 32 points and 14 rebounds.

Since this is how my mind works, all I can think of is what a fantasy basketball monster he would be. Or is going to be. I can't even begin to imagine what he would do if he stays in college for four years -- we'd probably see him averaging 35 points and 15 boards a game.

But we won't get to see that, since Durant is likely going to come out after this season. While I'm bummed that the Knicks haven't been terrible enough for the Bulls to have a shot at Durant (or Greg Oden), it's still going to be fun to watch Texas play this year. And to watch him play against overmatched college players.

Tune in.

Maybe you've heard

2007-01-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

Much has been discussed in the week leading up to the Super Bowl about Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy being the first two black coaches to reach the Super Bowl. And the two general schools of thought are that a.) this is a huge accomplishment or b.) this will only be meaningful when it's no longer worth mentioning. I now have the pleasure of moderating a debate between two ESPN personalities who are both well-informed on the subject, Scoop Jackson and Stephen A. Smith. I've transcribed their conversation below.

Scoop: This occasion is monumental in its stature. We have two black men coaching against one another in the Super Bowl. Like an anvil dropping from a shelf onto a kitten, this has an impact. The impact is very big.

Stephen: Yes, this IS an occurrence. BUT. Is it really progress until this is happening EVERY DAY IN OUR SOCIETY?

Scoop: Of course. It's like hippin' and skippin' and hoppin', but you never know until you get to the hop. It's the last and final part. It's the step after penultimate. The ultimate. Skip and Scoop. I myself am very proud that these men have pioneered the way for others.

Stephen: Yes, I know you are proud. I am too. BUT, I am just saying that MAYBE we shouldn't even be paying ATTENTION to this. Maybe we should just let it go. LIKE I SAID, we shouldn't even bring this up UNTIL we see black men coaching the Super Bowl several times EACH year.

Scoop: How can you possibly denigrate this achievement? I feel you're being false in trying to say that we should not discuss this occurrence. You got to be tru. Tru is for those with heart. Heart and soul. It's the soul meets body, says Death Cab for Cutie, which is a cracker-ass band from Seattle.

Stephen: CAN YOU HEAR ME! It is a MOCKERY that this is even a NEWS STORY. Black men can coach. It's not progress until we CEASE to talk about it. Tony Dungy is a FINE man. Lovie Smith is a FINE man. No one talks about how FINE of men these men are! They just want to talk about the color of their skin. It is RIDICULOUS.

Scoop: The color of my skin is all I have.

Stephen: I have NOTICED.

Scoop: I drank with Common last weekend. He's from Chicago, the Chi-Windy-Midway-Gridiron city. It's the smooth between the coasts. The shoulders are big in the city.

Stephen: Why can't you stay on topic? Don't even try to divert the attention away from this discussion. Don't try to ignore this FIASCO!

Scoop: "Fiasco" has not come up on my Google word-of-the-day vocabulary enhancement program. I don't know what that means.

Stephen: Oh HELL.

Scoop: Patronymic.

Stephen: WHAT?

Scoop: It means being named after one's father.

Stephen: I am INTRIGUED by this new word.

Scoop: The father-son dynamic is a crucial element in sports. You see it often in the hustle and flow (a flicker of a flick -- I give props to Elise Neal, who will become the best American actress since Pam Grier) of the way sports works. Tony Dungy had his son ripped from the bosom of his arms, and that has lit a fire that inspired him to become the inspiration to millions by becoming the second black coach to reach a Super Bowl. He would have been the first, had the National Football League not perspired against him to allow Lovie Smith to reach it first, if only for scheduling considerations.

Stephen: Don't you mean CONSPIRED?

Scoop: I did not. I always know what I mean. Each word is artfully crafted to drive a point home, like a hammer to a nail on a bed full of them. Don't you know I edited Slam Magazine? And I know that Tony Dungy will become the first black coach to win a Super Bowl, unless Lovie Smith does it first.

Stephen: I have already TOLD you that this is meaningless. And don't TRY to tell me that I am being IGNORANT of the fact that we have two BLACK coaches in the Super Bowl. I just want to sit down on my couch with a bowl of popcorn and a bullhorn and just ENJOY the game without WORRYING about the social ramifications of an OVERBLOWN non-STORY.

Scoop: You are a racist.

Barbaro is dead

2007-01-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

Barbaro was euthanized today.

And thus ends the longest, least interesting story in the history of the world.

Great American Fiction

2007-01-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

I got this message in my Gmail spam folder recently, and I want to know what it means. I don't think I could write anything like this if I even tried. Though it makes me wonder if I can get a full-time job writing spam copy.

Jim?
Youre right. It got to me-and I dont know why it came to pass through the banks . . .
Silence! Dreadnought whispered Adam bones. Floyd and I silenced and listened-
First, he said, lifting a finger in a very legalistic way, we have
there, mans best friend and tomato can boilpan, and hearing this with your super hearing, a
the loss. Another individual, who shall be nameless, will supply the
me and the darkness became even more intense.
Any of them close to this position?
that we had come in through. It didnt take much intelligence to use
stinks. And more and more it appears to bear the stamp of Stinky

Another co-op post

2007-01-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

I probably would write more about The Office if JR didn't have a blog that was almost entirely devoted to television (much in the same way that Andrew steals much of my Gilbert Arenas man-love). So I am mostly just left with complaining about the lack of respect the Bears get. I suppose everyone has to have a niche.

But anyway, JR and I were talking and decided to put together a list of the top 10 moments from the third season of the show.

And it turned out to be nearly impossible. So consider this a representation of some of the best moments, and not necessarily a definitive judgment. I still am stunned that we don't have anything involving Michael and Oscar from the season premier.

1. Faxes from the future
The perfect opening sequence features Jim being questioned by Karen about his early morning faxing habits at the Stamford office, and he notes that it's "kind of hard to explain." In a closeup interview with Jim, we discover that he stole some of Dwight's stationary before leaving Scranton and he's been sending faxes to the Scranton office, for Dwight.

From Dwight.

From the future.

Signing his correspondences with "Cordially yours, future Dwight," he convinces the hapless former co-worker that today's coffee is tainted, and Dwight hilariously races across the room and knocks a cup of jo out of Stanley's hands. If this season of The Office taught us anything, it's that the story's pivot point is often Jim, the one guy on the show who seems to be "in" on the joke that is the entire office, knowledge that he uses to manipulate everyone for his own comic enjoyment. His facial expressions are also timeless. -JR

2. Everyone looks like Jackie Chan
After Michael is dumped by Carol, he's taken to Benihana's (or Asian Hooter's, as Michael calls it). There he and Andy pick up two waitresses and bring them back to the office for the holiday party. Unfortunately, since the guys can't tell Asian women apart, the two women they enter with aren't the same two from the restaurant. Despite this minor error, Michael considers one of them to be his new girlfriend, but gets confused because he can't tell the two of them apart. He winds up telling Kevin and Roy, "You know how all ... waitresses look alike" and then uses a Sharpie to mark one of their arms for future distinction. It's a brilliant look at Michael's continued cultural cluelessness. Bonus points to the cross-eyed, double-vision look he gets when he's singing karaoke to one, and the other suddenly appears from across the room. -EG

3. Prison Mike
Maybe the funniest moment of the season, at least for sheer ludicrosity. Yeah, I just created that word. When a new worker from the Scranton-Stamford merger talks about life in prison, Dunder-Mifflin workers decide that prison sounds better than working at the office. Michael, ever the sensitive boss, is offended and decides to show them just how bad prison is by creating a character named "Prison Mike." He gathers the office in the conference room, dons a purple do-rag, runs through at least three different accents, tries to talk tough about the evils of incarceration, and eventually falls flat on his face by telling employees that the worst part of prison was "the dementors." Apparently this fairly brief scene took several hours to film because the actors, Steve Carrell included, kept breaking and laughing during filming. Jimmy Fallon would have been proud. -EG

4. The Jim and Dwight team
One of the most important elements to The Office is occasionally convincing us that the bizarre and sometimes pathetic characters do have some real-world skills that benefit them in their jobs, else why would they still be employed? During an episode of sales calls, Jim is paired with Dwight and as Jim attempts to sell Dundler-Mifflin's sales techniques, Dwight begins to fiddle with the prospective client's desk phone, dialing a number furiously. We assume it's going to set up some absurd moment of humor, but when we come back to the scene from a break, we realize it's something better.

Jim tries to sell the prospective client on their customer service, that they can always be counted on to provide a human on the other end of the phone. As he does this, we hear an automated response from the desk phone off its cradle, indicating a wait until the call is received. Dwight tells us that "the other guy" is on the phone and meanwhile, Jim pulls out his cell phone, calls D-M's customer service and gets a perky girl (Kelly) who sounds too happy to talk to Jim before he hangs up abruptly on her. It was a perfect moment of conspiratorial dialogue between Jim and Dwight, never mind that it was preceded by a strange backseat ritual where Dwight cranked the music to amp up for the sales pitch, and followed by an entirely inappropriate and awkward hug. -JR

5. Jan's destructive tendencies
One of the running subplots of the entire series is the bizarre relationship between Michael and his boss at corporate, Jan. Since the inception of the show, there has been an awkward hookup, an awkward "that-was-a-mistake" conversation, repeated attempts by Michael to hook up again (still awkward), and then there was an inexplicable trip by the two of them to Jamaica. And the entire time, everyone is wondering why Jan continues to put up with Michael. After they return from their tropical paradise, a risque vacation photo of topless Jan is passed around to all of Dunder-Mifflin and Jan shows up, presumably to rip Michael. But no, we learn that Jan's therapist has identified her as having "destructive tendencies" and has told her to indulge them. And dating Michael is one of her destructive tendencies -- the only possible explanation for this matchup. Michael Scott: The Perfect Drug. Who knew? -EG

6. You oughta know
Potentially the highlight of the Christmas episode was a fantastic bit of karaoke undertaken by members of the office. Kevin, the large and somewhat childish bald man, graces us with a stirring acapella version of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know," punctuating the mid-90s chick rock staple with an overabundance of "You, you, you, you, you, you, you ... oughta know." Kelly Kapoor, Indian princess, delivers a chilling rendition of Pat Benetar's "We Belong," throwing in a line "We belong to each ooottther ... Ryan" for her co-worker boyfriendish, a man entirely disinterested in her despite her blissful ignorance to that reality. Michael Scott and Andy Bernard, drunk, perform a classic treatment to John Mayer's feel-good sex classic, "Your Body is a Wonderland," entirely inappropriate and well harmonized. Creed also sings something, probably also inappropriate. -JR

7. Ain't no party like a Scranton party
At a paper convention, Michael is determined to have a massive blowout party in his hotel room -- mostly to compensate for how upset he is that Jim, who he considers to be a close friend, has left Scranton for another branch. He gets everything ready, buys several gallons of hard liquor, and even invites Jerome Bettis to it. The Bus declines the invitation, if you're wondering. Flash forward to that night, and Jim decides to show up and see how the party is going. He finds Michael pathetically sitting alone in his hotel room, in the dark, with blaring music, a black light and a strobe light. Michael, defeated, makes sure to tell him that "People have been in and out." Near the end, Jim and Michael have a talk where Michael at once shows both his insecurities and also his good intentions. Perfect example of how The Office blends humor and real, human interaction. -EG

8. That's half-inch drywall
"That was an overreaction," Andy says to The Office after literally punching in the wall with everyone looking on. The hilarious moment is set up by Jim's prankish attempt to give Andy what's coming to him. After Andy recorded a four-part harmony as his ringtone, Jim steals the phone, opens a ceiling tile in a nearby office, throws the phone over the middle of the room and proceeds to call it repeatedly. Flailing about in frustration and unable to answer his phone, Andy gets progressively more angry and we laugh progressively harder with each unannounced and amplified "tweedle-deedle dee" that Andy cannot seem to locate. "Maybe it's in the ceiling," Jim passively proposes. "Maybe you're in the ceiling," Andy fires back. -JR

9. Is there a key for Jane Doe?
For a moment after Jim sees Dwight at a conference where members of both the Stamford and Scranton offices are in attendance, he considers the possibility that he has missed Dwight. But the sneering ex-coworker continues his false bravado, and Jim decides that it would be best to procure a room key and do something prankish. Meanwhile Angela, feeling distant from her secret love Dwight while he is away on business, checks into the hotel and undresses in Dwight's room waiting for his return. Jim arrives with a room key, opens the door, and turns the other way down the hall while disbelievingly noting "Dwight got a hooker! I have to tell ... well I have to tell someone." For a second it sounds as if he's going to say "I have to tell Pam," who usually shares in these pranks with Jim though not since she rejected his advances to become a couple. (Eli's note: JR remains mostly uninterested in the Jim/Pam dynamic of the show. He is a heartless beast.) -JR

10. What exactly does Michael Scott do?
On Pretzel Day at Dunder-Mifflin, Jan tells Pam to keep a log of what Michael does during the day because his productivity has been in question and annual reports are due. As Michael continues to procrastinate, we end up seeing the log of everything he has done during the day. Here it is:

Michael Scott Activity Log
8 a.m. _______________________________
9 a.m. _______________________________
10 a.m. __________Cosby Impression_______
11 a.m. ______________________________
12 p.m. ______Wait in pretzel line__________
1 p.m. _______________________________
2 p.m . _______________________________
3 p.m. _______________________________
4 p.m. _______________________________
5 p.m. _______________________________

Even I am impressed with that sort of production.

I'm not a gracious winner

2007-01-22T09:16:00.001-08:00

Since I sometimes like to feed off the misery of others, I decided to look at some message boards of Saints fans on the Internet. The reactions are priceless. I've compiled some of the best for you, just so you don't have to wade through it yourself. Enjoy.

1.)I am really mad at the Seahawks right now. If they had taken care of business last week we'd be in the SuperBowl.
2.) In the post game comments by the Bears there was no mention whatsoever of the Saints
whereas Sean Payton congratulated the Bears, the fans, the city, etc. The Bears should have said something positive about the Saints

1. Translation: Since we couldn't beat the Bears, I wish the Seahawks would have done it for us.
2. Translation: I am needy. Please affirm my football team.

I tell you what, if they had any class they would have gone to a knee around the 4 min mark. Instead they punched in another score. Screw Lovie and all the bears, Go Colts.

A knee with four minutes left in the game? That's never happened in the history of football.

The Beernan "fumble" not being overturned was proof to me that the
refs were going to control the game as much as possible, and
most likely had an agenda that did not favor the Saints

Who is Beernan?

I haven't seen such a poorly officiated game in over 12 years. That's a fact. Like someone said yesterday, momentum wins games, and penalties stop momentum. When the score was 16-14, seems to me the officials went nuts calling penalties. Don't care what anyone says, I will always think of this game as the game the refs handed over.

I'll always think of it as the game the Bears forced four turnovers and ran for 196 yards. And then advanced to the Super Bowl instead of the Saints.

Let the bears enjoy their little run, last time I checked its been a long time since they've gotten this far either, and trust me, they better ride their turnover causing defense as much as they can because as soon as Grossman has to win the game they'll be in for disappointment.

Sort of like that drive where the Saints put eight men in the box and forced Grossman to win the game. That was sure disappointing.

While the Saints will be remembered for one of the greatest turnarounds in NFL history, the bears will be remembered only as a footnote to SB 41, you know when the Colts and New Orleans own Peyton Manning win the game. I believe the bears were given the game by the officials and somehow manipulated the turf in certain areas. So enjoy the next two weeks bears fans. You will then fade into obscurity.

Little know fact: Lovie Smith has a bachelor's degree in Turf Manipulation.

The NFL obviously set up Chicago with the easiest schedule this year so they could get the ethnic thing going and now they have exactly what they were trying to get. I always side with the NFC in the Super Bowl, but it will be just another year that I won't watch the game.

The NFL has incredible foresight. But, I mean, at least they care about black people.

NFC Championship Game: Running Diary

2007-01-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

The Bears haven't been to a Super Bowl since I was two years old (the Cubs should be so lucky), so with a chance for the team to get there today, I thought I'd go ahead and document what happens during the game. I'll be writing in occasionally throughout the game with comments and thoughts, starting just before kickoff.

If you're interested, stop on by and say hello. And with that said, go Bears.

12:36 p.m. I did not know the Bears would have to contend with the newest fans of the New Orleans Saints. I feel less certain about the outcome now.

1:07Joe Horn is out for the Saints. This is the seventh game he's missed, and the Saints have played fine without him, but it's still good news for the Bears.

1:34 I want Frank Caliendo to suffer a horrible, horrible fate.

1:49 Terry Bradshaw just danced with a woman on the porch of her New Orleans home. The woman then said that "If the Saints can go to the Super Bowl, anything can happen." And now Bradshaw is close to crying as the camera comes back and he's apparently "scared to death" about Fred Thomas against the Bears' receivers. Overall, it was just a five-minute train wreck of television.

1:52 CHRIS DAUGHTERY FROM AMERICAN IDOL!

1:53 CHRIS DAUGHTERY FROM AMERICAN IDOL IS CRYING WHILE SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM! This is OUR country!

1:57 [whisper]$2.99[/whisper]

2:02 Rex Grossman just took the field. At least half of the women inside Soldier Field are now pregnant.

2:06 FOX just showed a stat that dome teams are 0-9 in outdoor championship games since 1970. Can't wait for the Bears to screw that up.

2:07 Kickoff! Return goes nowhere and the Saints start at the 19-yard line.

2:10 The Bears get a sack to push the Saints out of field goal range. Huge play there by the D. The Saints, terrified of Devin Hester, then punt the ball practically through the end zone. Rex Grossman is going to take the field and the world will prepare itself.

2:12 I just realized that this live blog is a bad idea since I am too nervous to type.

2:15 Bears go nowhere on three lame plays and they punt to Reggie Bush. He gets drilled by Adrian Peterson downfield. The field is disgusting.

2:21 Another big play as Brees is sacked and fumbles the ball away. FALL ON THE BALL.

2:21 The Bears didn't listen to me. But they did force a punt and gained 20 yards in field position.

2:24 Ron Turner won't run the football today. This is going to be ugly.

2:26 The Diet Pepsi voiceover commercial with the football players is awful. It lacks everything necessary to be a good advertisement.

2:32 Colston fumbles. Bears recover. The defense looks to be back.

2:35 Terrible play calling by the Bears. First and goal on the two yard line, you run the ball in. Run. Run. Run. Run. Stupid. Bears take the field goal and are up 3-0.

2:42 First Peyton Manning commercial of the day. His forehead is still a biological wonder.

2:45 FUMBLE ON THE KICKOFF! Bears get it. Third fumble of the day for the Saints and I am all warm and fuzzy right now.

2:48 My warmness and fuzziness is tempered because Rex looks completely confused today. He has the look of a man who might out-turnover New Orleans, and they have a three TO lead.

2:51 Gould drills a field goal and it's 6-0 Bears. That's a good sign and I'm going to eat some cake and take a break.

2:53 CAKE!

3:06 Bears defense holds up again. We get the first sign of competence from Grossman as he hits Desmond Clark for a long gain. Benson runs a bit and we get another Gould field goal. 9-0. I want a touchdown.

3:07 Preview for 24. Jack Bauer is playing outside linebacker today for the Bears. He's going to shoot Reggie Bush in the knee.

3:10 Urlacher and Jack Bauer just drilled Reggie Bush on a dump-off pass. And a great play by Charles Tillman to break up a third-down pass.

3:12 Joe Buck, smarmy as ever, keeps expressing surprise that the Bears' defense is playing well.

3:20 Thomas Jones is single-handedly taking the Bears downfield. Best of all, Rex Grossman isn't having to do anything. JR is begging for the Bears to pass to Desmond Clark. Sorry, JR. The Sex Cannon shouldn't pass for the rest of the day.

3:22 THOMAS JONES. TOUCHDOWN. 16-0 BEARS.

3:25You say "National Football League." I say it's okay to abbreviate.

3:30 And this is why you need to score touchdowns when it's first-and-goal on the 2. Colston scores. 16-7 Bears just before halftime.

3:32 I'm pretty sure Rex Grossman is drunk, given his performance today.

3:34 Halftime. I'm fearful of the Bears' second half gameplan, which probably involves lots of 50 yard pass attempts and copious amounts of falling down.

3:52 And we're back. True to my above statement, Rex threw a 50-yard pass and Bernard Berrian fell down. Punt.

3:55 [whisper]$2.99[/whisper]

3:56 Reggie Bush 88 yard touchdown. I just vomited on my laptop.

3:59 Three minutes later. Still stunned. Can't wait to see how Ron Turner responds. Probably with three passes.

4:02 It's now past 4:00 p.m. and Rex Grossman is still terrible at football.

4:12 I don't feel so good.

4:19 GROUNDING! SAFETY! Thank you, Unflappable Drew Brees! Now let's just keep letting the defense score. 18-14 Bears.

4:22 Another terrible showing by Rex. 3 and out. Bring in Brian Griese.

4:34 33-yard touchdown to Berrian. And Rex proves me wrong for now. That's one of the best catches you'll ever see. 25-14 Bears.

4:39 Ogunleye sacks Brees and forces a fumble. Brees is ruled down, and Lovie challenges. And now I'm waiting .......... and the BEARS HAVE THE BALL.

4:41 This is a terrible blog post, I know. Apologies to you who are reading it. But I'm far too emotionally wrecked to try and be witty or insightful.

4:42 BEARS!!!!!!!!!

4:45 Cedric Benson. Touchdown. 32-14 Bears. I am completely unintelligible.

4:51 Vasher interception. I can't even type. Bears ball, up 18 points, 10:30 to go.

4:52 [whisper]$2.99[/whisper]

4:59 Mark Andersen is an absolute monster. 7:28 left, Bears up 32-14.

5:01 XLI.

5:04 THOMAS JONES TD! 39-14. Where's Dennis Green? Someone crown the Bears.

5:08 Bears take the ball back with 3:24 left. I'm signing off on this. I'll be back with more coherent thoughts tomorrow.

SUPER BOWL!!! Incredible.

Observe

2007-01-20T20:28:00.001-08:00

PJ Brown looks like he should be a character on Family Matters.

ESPN loves America's team

2007-01-19T08:02:00.003-08:00

Well, that's nice. Apparently, the Bears don't stand a chance on Sunday. At least according to every single one of ESPN's analysts. However, despite the fact that the game doesn't even need to be played on account of the heart and soul of America backing the Saints, I'll still run through the paces of my formula and try to make the best picks that I can. On to the matchups.

New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts
Formulaic values: Peyton Manning won a game + Tom Brady was terrible + Note: Send thank-you card to Marty Schottenheimer + Peter King hasn't slept in days + Vinatieri booting his old team + NFL's new rivalry + Colts at home + Wayne's World + You've still got the best arm in the neighborhood
MMC says: Colts 26, Patriots 17
Breakdown: No matter which team wins this game, we're going to get predictably fawning columns from the media. The only two possible storylines are

1. Peyton finally breaks through and cements himself as a "real" star.
2. Never bet against the Patriots in the playoffs.

And either way, I'm probably going to be a little bit annoyed. However, the first option is far less aggravating than the second. And I think that's where we're going to wind up. The Patriots did not look good last week against the Chargers and needed a series of fluky plays to win the game. The Colts, meanwhile, have been playing well on both sides of the ball. I think people are forgetting that this team started the season 9-0 when they were healthy. Well, they're healthy now. And they're going to the Super Bowl.

New Orleans Saints vs. Chicago Bears
Formulaic values: New Orleans was hit very hard by a hurricane + You are a terrible heathen if you don't root for them, even if you live in Chicago
MMC says: Bears 24, Saints 13
Breakdown: Wow. Look at those ESPN predictions. I know this is the second consecutive day that I've complained about the lack of respect for the Bears, but I don't think my incredulity is that out of line. The Bears are 14-3 right now. And they're going to be 15-3 and going to the Super Bowl after this game. And that's for the simple reason that talent wins football games, and natural disasters don't.

If the Bears lose on Sunday, it'll be because the Bears' coaching staff does a terrible job of preparing the team for the game. That's the only way it'll happen. And unfortunately, I can also see it happening because of Lovie Smith's arrogance in game preparation. If the Bears win, it'll simply be because they have the best defense the Saints have seen all year -- even though it's missing two of its best players. The Saints have only had two games this year against top-10 defenses, both against Carolina. They went 0-2 in those games. And the Bears' defense is better than Carolina's, in every facet imaginable.

The key to the game is the Bears getting pressure on Drew Brees. The Saints allowed the fourth-fewest sacks in the NFL this year, so they do a good job keeping Drew's sewed-up body off the ground. The Bears' pass rush has been a bit lacking lately, so they will need to find creative ways to get to the quarterback (Tank Johnson has some ideas, which he's keeping in a holster under his jersey). In doing that, they can disrupt the passing game a bit and then key on stopping the McAllister/Bush combination, which should be enough to slow the game down.

See that? Those are all reasons why the Bears will win. And none of them are based on the weather.

Although, it is supposed to be cold and snowy on Sunday. And I hear Reggie Bush doesn't like the cold. All right then.

Bear down.

It's geaux time

2007-01-18T09:41:00.000-08:00

All right. So, I think the Bears are going to be playing in the NFC Championship Game this weekend against the ~~United States~~ New Orleans Saints. But that's only what I think, because I really haven't heard much about the Bears in the last several days. By all indications, the Saints are going to be doing some sort of football-related activity against someone this weekend and then the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts will play against one another while Peter King watches the game while sitting in a bathtub of mayonnaise and wearing a gray hoodie with the sleeves cut off.

But the Bears? Yeah, they're just there.

For example, this article examines the playoff teams and talks about how each one of them use a two-running back system. They mention Addai and Rhodes on the Colts, Maroney and Dillon on the Patriots and Bush and McAllister on the Saints.

Who's missing?

Oh, right. Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson on the Bears. It's almost like the guy's editor just clipped off the end of it where he talks about Chicago's backs. Because they certainly deserve to be mentioned. Let's take a look:

Addai/Rhodes: 1,722 yards, 4.1 yards-per-carry
Maroney/Dillon: 1,557 yards, 4.1 yards-per-carry
Bush/McAllister: 1,622 yards, 4.0 yards-per-carry
Jones/Benson: 1,857 yards, 4.1 yards-per-carry

I'd say that Jones and Benson stack up pretty well with any other the other. It's a given that the Saints' combination is more dynamic because of Bush's receiving skills, but I'd take Jones/Benson over the other two duos.

But ho hum. They're the Bears and they're boring. The defense is solid and a bit injured, Devin Hester hasn't done anything in a few weeks, the offense is fairly average. There's no storyline to discuss, other than the Rex Grossman angle, which everyone knows. In fact, sportswriters are now just shoehorning storylines into their articles. Take the Associated Press' lead sentence from the win against the Seahawks:

CHICAGO (AP) -- Two swings of the foot by Robbie Gould were all the Chicago Bears needed to offset any shortcomings in Rex Grossman's arm.

Rex Grossman threw for 282 yards on Sunday, with one interception that wasn't really his fault. His arm had no shortcomings. His arm was maybe THE reason they were able to win the game. But I'm willing to bet that the AP writer had that line in his head before the game started and didn't adapt once the game took place.

Try harder, sportswriters of America. Please.

On that note, I've made a few tweaks to the MMS system, so hopefully this week's picks will be improved. I did have 3-of-4 last week though, so I can't complain too much. I'll have the new picks tomorrow.

Spend it like Beckham

2007-01-12T09:07:00.001-08:00

There's been a whole lotta controversy and debate in the last 24 hours if David Beckham's contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy is the most ridiculous signing in the history of sports. The questions are nearly endless. Is he still a top-level player? Is this anything but a publicity stunt? Is there any way Los Angeles won't regret this signing in two years? Is he going to be worth the money? Will he save soccer in the United States?

Nope.

What, were you actually expecting more analysis than that?

With a little help from my friends

2007-01-11T07:22:00.000-08:00

I've always been pretty terrible at predictions. About the only one I get right is that every spring, I correctly predict that the Cubs will crush my soul at some point during their season. It's just a matter of when, and if it will be a long-term death or a quick kill.

So I'm going to try to get better. And since the NFL playoffs are in full swing, I thought I'd go ahead and work on some predictions for this weekend. And to help me, I've developed a new tool called the Mainstream Media Calculator™.

It's been well-established that people who write for major newspapers pretty much know everything. I mean, they wouldn't have obtained these high-profile jobs if they didn't understand the nuances of each major sport, right? So I'm going to employ their prevailing wisdom and plug it into the formula I've created to determine the winner of each game this coming weekend. Hopefully it helps me become a little more accurate in my projections. So here I present to you the divisional playoff projections of the MMC™.

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens
Formulaic values: Peyton Manning + Ray Lewis murder + McNair storybook revival + Jamal Lewis prison time + Colts' run defense + fluke + Billick calls some plays + Harrison and Wayne are good + Threat of Kyle Boller + Dwight Freeney spins + They're saying "mooooovers."
MMC says: Colts 27, Ravens 24
Breakdown So. I actually like Peyton Manning. Yes, he's in too many commercials and loves to put his face (which looks like a foot) out on television. But he's the most talented quarterback we've seen in at least a decade, and I think it'd be a shame if he had a "choker" tag put on him because his team never won a Super Bowl -- especially because it's usually his defense that lets him down in the playoffs. So here, just because I want to, I see the Colts being able to pick apart the Ravens a little bit and move the ball. And I say that the Colts defense turns in another solid game and keeps the Ravens mostly in check. And Peyton will move that much closer to shutting everyone up.

New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers

Formulaic values: Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Tomlinson + Brady's rugged face + I hate the Patriots + Tomlinson + Philip Rivers is a total spaz + Throw the ball to Gates + Dynasty + Marty + Most celebrated man-hug ever + Shove a camera man + Tomlinson scored a TD or two, in case you hadn't heard
MMC says: Chargers 21, Patriots 13
Breakdown: The Patriots can't keep letting their best players go and then simply thinking that Brady and Belichick are going to be enough to keep them going to the Super Bowl. And now with Rodney Harrison out, their run defense just got a little bit worse, and we all know who is going to benefit from that. The only way that I can see San Diego losing is if Philip Rivers completely melts down and starts crying in the middle of the field at some point because he wants a juice box. And there's about a 30 percent chance of that happening in his first playoff start, so stay tuned.

Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints

Formulaic values:America's team + Jeff Garcia(!) + Hurricane that happened 18 months ago still motivates team + America's team, that is + Brian Westbrook is small + Stupidest tight end eligibility ever in fantasy sports + Deuce is a class act + Philly fans' suffering + Rocky Balboa + Superdome
MMC says: Saints 17, Eagles 16
Breakdown: I really don't think the Saints are that good. They have a lot of offensive firepower at the skill positions, but I think the Eagles defense is healthy now and will be able to contain it a bit. However, the Saints' pass defense has been outstanding this year, and Andy Reid doesn't like to run the football, no matter the matchup. Plus, we're talking about Jeff Garcia; he's 36 and this isn't going to go on forever. Sorry, Philly fans.

Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears
Formulaic values: Rex + Grossman + Vomit + Starbucks + Walrus coach + Alexander's foot + Bears are boring + Devin Hester + Soldier Field + Another one-and-done exit + Urlacher overrated? + Lofa Tatupu + Butter fingers
MMC says: Bears 20, Seahawks 13
Breakdown: Everyone's talking about "Bear Weather" and hoping that it's cold and snowy for the game, because they think geographic team location means something. Stop it. Stop. It. Half of the Bears' players come from places like Texas and Florida, so they don't like the cold either. And the Bears are a faster and better team, so a sloppy field is only going to serve to even the matchup. Now, as long as Grossman doesn't throw more than two passes longer than 40 yards, the Bears can win the game. If he resorts to his drop-and-heave approach, there are going to be an awful lot of angry Bears fans by mid-afternoon on Sunday. Just let him throw a lot of passes to Desmond Clark and the fullbacks, run the ball (with Cedric Benson, for crying out loud) and move on to the next round. None of this is new information, I understand, but it's very easy to pinpoint what the Bears' season rides on. It's Rex. And that's terrifying.

The many faces of Tom Coughlin

2007-01-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

I was a little sad to see the Giants lose to the Eagles yesterday. One of my favorite things about the NFL is watching Tom Coughlin on the sidelines, and his constant state of bewilderment. Whether it was a missed field goal, an Eli Manning interception, back-to-back holding penalties, a bad call or pregame introductions, Tom was always a good bet to look like he had just been forced to pay $300 for an oil change. I just hope New York brings him back for at least one more season. With that said, here's my photographic tribute to the many faces of Tom Coughlin.

Worst of the worst of the worst. Sir.

2007-01-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

JR Radcliffe (of Trampoline Bear fame) and I are going to begin some collaborative work, in an effort to revive part of what used to be the Tri-Blog Conglomerate Powerhouse Nation.

Only three of you should remember that.

We're a big fan of top ten lists, so we're going to start off that way, with the first entry being a compilation of the 10 worst free agent signings of the baseball offseason. In a year of absolute fiscal nimroddery, there were plenty of horrible signings to debate. In fact, the number of good signings can probably be counted on one hand. We'll use two to count the worst, however.

While the offseason isn't over just yet, and Jim Hendry could still sign Cliff Floyd to a four-year, $56 million deal to block Matt Murton, we think it's safe to go ahead and write this list. Enjoy, and sorry if your team is represented.

1. Gary Matthews Jr. (Anaheim), 5 years, $50 million
Seriously. You've got to be kidding me. Let's go ahead and review Gary Matthews Jr's career. His father was a major league player. He excelled as a prep athlete based on his sheer athleticism. He got to the majors and found he couldn't hit a curveball, slider, cutter, splitter or changeup. He didn't walk more than once a week. Then ESPN invented Web Gems. Sometimes, GMJ would make outlandish plays and they would be shown to millions of viewers while an East Coast smarm-provider cooed such phrases as "Get in my belly!" over the highlight. Then, in 2006, Matthews had two and a half very lucky months at the plate while making a few more great catches. And after the season, this 31-year old fourth outfielder with a career .755 OPS was signed to a five-year contract by senile Art Moreno, who had promised the Angels fans "a big acquisition" this offseason. Well, this is it, Anaheim. My condolences. -EG

2. Gil Meche (Kansas City), 5 years, $55 million
It has become the poster child of wild, ridiculous spending this offseason. Kansas City wanted to make a "splash" and prove they were serious about shelling out the cash to compete, and believe me, it requires a certain extra somethin' somethin' if you want to get anyone with a pulse to play for Kansas City. But to offer $11 million a year to a pitcher with a career ERA of 4.65 is hilarious, not to mention someone who has reached 150 innings exactly twice in his six seasons. If you're stupid and think wins matter, he has 55 career wins, which was conveniently rewarded by a cool million per victory ... and it’s asking a lot to see him reach the 11-win plateau in 2007 to make that current breakdown hold true. He walks too many people. He’s not even left-handed. Did I mention that he’s bad? For ELEVEN million a year. The following is a list of pitchers – who have already signed at least one multi-million contract in their careers – that make significantly less, circa half that value per year: John Lackey, Dan Haren, Rich Harden, Mark Prior, Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Jake Westbrook, Dontrelle Willis, Brett Myers, Justin Verlander, Mark Buehrle. -JR

3. Juan Pierre (Los Angeles), 5 years, $44 million
I remember the Juan Pierre era in Chicago. Good times. A lot of ground balls to second base. Also, a lot of runners tagging up and going from first to second on fly balls to center field. But Pierre did lead the National League in hits. Problem is, that means next to nothing because Dusty Baker allowed Pierre to rack up 750+ plate appearances last year. And only 33 percent of those resulted in him getting on base. And Pierre then threw away 20 of those by getting caught stealing -- the highest total in baseball. Additionally (Pierre is so flipping bad that I'm running out of transition words), he compiled a .388 slugging percentage in 2006. Carlos Zambrano's slugging percentage from 2006? That's right, it was .397. So, what exactly are the Dodgers paying for? Oh. Speed. I think they could have gotten a better deal in Columbia. -EG

4. Danys Baez (Baltimore), 3 years, $19 million
I'll be brief. There's a fair argument that NO reliever in baseball is worth $6 million a year. And if one is, his name is not Danys Baez (it's probably JJ Putz, simply because of the jersey sales). Batters hit .282 against him last year, and he spent most of the season trying to get command of his fastball. So now Baltimore has the honor of paying him $6 million for 70 innings of league-average baseball. If they're lucky. -EG

5. Vicente Padilla (Texas), 3 years, $33.75 million
Even though he looks like he’s a member of AARP, Padilla doesn’t turn 30 until late in the 2007 season, so a three-year deal for a former All-Star is conceivably reasonable. But while people make fun of Adam Eaton’s contract at 24 million for three years, Miguel Batista’s for 25 or Jason Marquis’ for 21, here is Padilla getting 33.75!!! Hey, why not? Because in 2003, Padilla was good. And that wasn’t so long ago, was it? Over the past three seasons, Padilla has a very mediocre 4.57 ERA, though he was sixth in the American League last year in games started (and first in hit batsmen. It’s nice to have that kind of intimidation.). Eaton had a 4.56 in that span (though he was injured for most of it), Marquis had 4.59 (counting a sensationally awful 2006) and Batista had 4.58 (though with some limited innings due to bullpen work in 2005). For some reason, Padilla was worth an extra 10 million to Texas, who must have been confused because "David Palmer" is listed as one of the top five most similar pitchers by Baseball Reference, and they obviously thought Padilla had the coolness factor of comparing to a "24" dead president. -JR

6. Jason Marquis (Chicago), 3 years, $21 million
I hyperventilate when I think about this contract. Yes, Jason Marquis was a good pitcher as little as two years ago. And he's still relatively young. And sinkerball pitchers have some success at Wrigley Field. But. It's the principle of the thing. You don't -- you just don't -- give a pitcher a contract like this just two months after he finishes taking a season-long dump all over National League pitching mounds. Jason Marquis' dump stank to the tune of a 6.02 ERA, a 1.52 WHIP, a .289 batting average against, 35 home runs allowed and an unbelievable 96-to-75 K/BB ratio. I'm also discouraged to see that "wins" were used as a barometer for his past success. Jim Hendry, I sympathize with your angioplastic plight, but wins don't mean anything. Don't you know that the only reason Marquis won 14 games last year was because he had David Eckstein on his team? Without the little inspirational lightning rod around, Marquis will be lucky to win five games. -EG

7. Barry Zito (San Francisco), 7 years, $126 million
It won’t immediately be considered the worst of deals, simply because the player in question does happen to be very good. Zito has a career 3.55 ERA and 1.25 WHIP, which is admirable even if he was assisted by the cavernous Oakland Coliseum. Playoff experience, dominant stuff, a suitable strikeout to walk ratio, yadda yadda yadda ... he’s got all the things that makes a pitcher sexy, and he’s just young enough (28) where a seven year deal isn’t hysterical. But 126 million makes him the highest-paid pitcher EVER, and seems to set an irresponsible mark that would not have been matched by any team if docked approximately 30-40 million. WHO WERE THE GIANTS BIDDING AGAINST? It’s the last dagger in the coffin of fiscal responsibility this offseason. From now on, any pitcher who’s ever had repeated success will become capable of purchasing small commonwealths, like Guam or Asia. -JR

8. JD Drew (Boston), 5 years, $70 million
Just think how much cash JD would have gotten if he'd have averaged more than 118 games played during his career. Let's start a pool to see which ailment will sideline him first, and how early Boston fans will start to boo him. I say the first owie is an Achilles on May 27; the first boos will come on June 3. -EG

9. Miguel Batista (Arizona), 3 years, $25 million
For some reason, when I hear the name "Miguel Batista" I think of a young, hard throwing pitcher. This is why I’ll never be a general manager, or even someone of value in society. He will be 36 on Opening Day according to the current information, having been signed back in 1988 by the Montreal Expos. He’s probably somewhere in his mid-40s. He will have died of old age by the time his three years and 25 million are expired, which is a pleasant chunk of change for someone who has numbers that make you wonder how he hasn’t quietly retired yet. He’s a career 68-79 with a 4.46 ERA and a lousy 1.47 K:BB, which is much worse than soft-tosser Jeff Suppan, for example. He did go over 200 innings for the first time last season, surprising since he was coming off a season as a bullpen guy in Toronto, with 31 saves. He also finished in the American League’s top 10 in earned runs allowed (eighth), hits allowed (eighth), walks allowed (fifth) and led the league in wild pitches. Weeeeee! -JR

10. Adam Eaton (Philadelphia), 3 years, $24.5 million
Some highlights (hat tip to the Texas Rangers media guide and web site) of Adam Eaton’s career: On disabled list, July 6, 2001-end of season. On disabled list March 27-September 1, 2002. On disabled list May 5-20, 2003. On disabled list June 16-August 6, 2005. On disabled list August 5-26, 2005. On disabled list, April 4-July 25, 2006. I think Adam Eaton might be injury prone. And while I’m curious to look up just how many starts he missed in his career vs. starts he actually made, I think I’ll save myself the leg work and just scoff at the fact that the Phillies wanted to give this guy 24.5 million over three years, despite the added fact that even when he’s healthy, he has a 4.40 ERA. Sure, suppose the stars align and he has no arm problems and pitches like everyone envisions he could (have) ... then he might be worth a spring training invite to someone. But to lay down eight million a year for an injury guarantee over three years, making him the third highest paid player on the team, will probably be the reason the team will be unable to afford both Chase Utley and Ryan Howard when their ABSURDLY cheap deals get bigger. What makes it stranger is that the Phillies gave up on similar pitcher Randy Wolf, whose injury history only dates back a couple years and whose career ERA is around 4.21, with a similar K:BB ratio as Eaton, and the Dodgers paid Wolf the same amount per year … for one year only. -JR

I'm going to Anarctica

2007-01-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Scientists are saying that 2007 will likely become the warmest year on record, surpassing ... well, 2006. Ice caps are melting, greenhouse gases are way up, and the city in which I live has had just 11 days this winter below 35 degrees. The average is 33 by this time of year.

Also, the Bears are playing terrible football.

Just in case you needed something to worry about on this Thursday morning.

I'll be back

2006-12-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

Just a note to say that I'm going to be taking a brief hiatus (I know, after nearly five weeks of blogging, I totally deserve it) and won't have any new content for a week or so. I'm heading to Kansas City to spend New Year's with Julie, so I probably won't be blogging while there.

I hope you can press onward.

A safe and happy New Year's to you all, and I'll catch you in 2007.

P.S. Go Bears.

I'm about 25 years late

2006-12-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've missed out on the entire Rocky phenomenon. I suppose that's probably because I have. The movies are tremendous cultural icons, but I've never actually sat down and watched any of them straight through. Which is why it was a bit weird I decided to go see the newest Rocky flick last night.

I know that Philadelphia itself has been impacted by the films, and it's interesting that a fictional character has come to represent a city so well. Not only that, the people of Philadelphia are totally OK with their main representation coming from a movie character. Considering that they've booed Santa Claus (sorry to bring out that tired old sportswriter reference), Sylvester Stallone has to be pretty pleased with himself.

But to me, because of my personal unfamiliarity with the series, Rocky has essentially become nothing more than fodder for late-night television hosts and a movie to be re-shown over and over on cable television. Which is why I was surprised that I really, really enjoyed the Rocky Balboa last night.

I was a bit lost at the outset because the first hour of the movie features flashbacks to the earlier films, as well as Rocky (on the anniversary of his wife's death) visiting all the places the two of them had been. It's touching, of course, but I felt like I missed a lot of the significance.

But what did happen was that I discovered just how completely likable Rocky is as a character. He's a simple man, no doubts there, but he's awfully compassionate. That alone makes him endearing.

One subplot of the movie is his relationship with his now grown son (played by some twerp from Heroes), who can't escape his father's shadow and becomes resentful of how everyone just knows him as the Champ's Son. The turning point of the movie, for me, comes when he comes to his father to complain, and Rocky lowers the boom with a pretty well-crafted speech.

Which leads to me to the fact that surprised me most: Sylvester Stallone can act. Like, really. I'm aware that doing the Rambo series probably didn't help his reputation, but he really stands out in this movie. The Philly accent is dead-on (Okay, fine. I've never been to Philly. But whatever) and he goes through a lot of subtle mannerisms and inflections that give Rocky a lot of depth.

The dialogue from Rocky is also pretty solid; it's a good mix of dumb-yet-profound statements and funny little phrases ("Oh, Jamaican? So he's European.") that come across as strikingly realistic.

The point is, I'd hang out with Rocky any day.

And, if you're wondering, there is a training scene -- with the Rocky theme song. I got so pumped up that I headbutted Welty right there in the theater.

Sure, there were also a fair share of cheesy parts to the movie, but it's good cheese. The kind that doesn't make you feel guilty for enjoying it.

Considering the fairly mild expectations I had entering the movie, the movie rates as a solid B+ on my scale. Of course, I imagine I've just upped your expectations with a favorable review.

Sorry about that.

But yo, go see it anyway.

Sometimes, people fight

2006-12-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

Boy, we're all awfully cranky lately. Maybe it's the holidays and the stress that comes with it for a lot of people. Maybe it's the fact that Jason Marquis is now on the Cubs. Maybe everyone is upset they weren't named Time Magazine's person of the year.

But it seems that most people are cranky about the NBA brawl that took place this past weekend between the Nuggets and Knicks. Most notably (at least at high altitudes), Northwest Airlines is positively indignant, saying they will remove their in-flight magazine from their flights, because Carmelo Anthony is on the cover.

DETROIT -- Northwest Airlines has pulled an in-flight magazine that features NBA scoring leader Carmelo Anthony on the cover.

The Denver Nuggets star received a 15-game suspension from the league for his role in Saturday's brawl with the New York Knicks.

A Northwest spokesman said the airline didn't want to appear to condone the behavior of Anthony and other players during Saturday's game.

Chris Mannix, of SI.com, is outraged -- outraged! -- at the fight.

I'm an extremist. Brawls like this put a pox on a league desperate to prove it deserves to be as highly regarded as the NFL or Major League Baseball. Athletes who put fans at risk -- and make no mistake, that is exactly what several players did Saturday night -- deserve to be struck down with an iron fist, their punishment so severe that the mere thought of doing something like that again makes them cringe.

Eli Gieryna, of TG10, doesn't give a rip.

Because athletes fight all the damn time. They're hyper-competitive people who wouldn't have reached this point in life if they weren't intense, tightly-wound individuals. And sometimes that passion and pride boils over in stupid ways.

How many bench-clearing brawls do we see every year in baseball? Ten? Twenty? Hockey players are practically required to get in fights, and many fans are disappointed if they don't see one. The NFL has plenty of pushing and shoving, and it'd go further if everyone wasn't entirely covered in padding.

But since the NBA suffered its second brawl in three seasons, the league has a "black eye" and a "serious problem" on its hands because of the ... wait for it ... the "thugs" that are tarnishing the game.

Malarkey.

Mike freaking Malarkey, I say.

Truth be told, I find it remarkable that this doesn't happen more often. Especially when the Knicks are involved. Whenever a bad team is getting pummeled, millionaire athletes get frustrated. Frustration leads to emotions and sometimes that boils over.

Need I mention again that a standard baseball fight will include up to 50 people? And those get shown on Sportscenter for our amusement, and then people forget that it happened.

Of course, rarely are baseball players referred to as "thugs." That's a whole other column though, I suppose. Sadly, it'll probably be written by Scoop Jackson.

Obviously the fight was wrong. And Carmelo Anthony did come across as less-than-tough when he threw a punch and then ran backwards. But it's just a fight. They happen all over the place between men (and women) every day. No one was killed. No one was even seriously hurt.

So all I'm saying is, calm down. Sometimes, people fight.

Congratulations, you

2006-12-19T09:05:00.001-08:00

It seems that Time Magazine has named you its Person of the Year for 2006.

Congratulations!

You totally deserve it.

Everyone feel free to post their acceptance speeches in the comments section.

I found something else

2006-12-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

A huge pet peeve of mine. From an Associated Press article about Terrell Owens getting fined for spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face:

IRVING, Texas (AP) -- Terrell Owens has 35,000 reasons to never spit at an opponent again.

T.O. was fined $35,000 by the NFL on Monday for spitting in the face of Atlanta cornerback DeAngelo Hall during Saturday night's Cowboys-Falcons game.

You see this all the time with sports reporters -- using a dollar as a "reason." It drives me nuts.

Also from a Chicago media outlet, after Alfonso Soriano was signed:

You may be asking: Is Alfonso Soriano thrilled to be a Cub? Well, if you're in doubt, let me give you 136 million reasons why the outfielder is excited.

Since when does one dollar equal one reason? I mean, why isn't 50 cents good enough to be a reason? When I was in elementary school, 50 cents was a good enough reason for some kids to eat a worm.

This device is not clever, it's not funny, it's certainly not interesting. So please stop saying it.

Anyone but the Bears

2006-12-18T08:35:00.001-08:00

I'm totally baffled. Last year, the Bears had a solid season. It ended poorly in the playoffs against Carolina, but Chicago returned everyone of significance from that team.

When the early season favorites for the NFC were mentioned, we heard about Seattle, New York and Carolina. Then the season started, and those three teams slipped due to injuries or a general lack of depth. The Bears started off 7-0 and got a little bit of recognition, but it was always accompanied by grumblings of "how long can this really last?"

Well, the Bears are now 12-2. And all along the way, writers have tried to find a new NFC favorite. First it was the Giants. Then Minnesota. Then the Falcons (!). Then it was Dallas. Then New Orleans. And now ...

Don Banks, over at Spanish-Yes.com, writes that the Philadelphia Eagles may now be the favorites in the NFC.

Like I said, I'm just baffled at this point. I guess the predominant theory is that it's best to pick anyone but the Bears.

I know the NFC is bad. And I understand the Bears are a flawed team. Their defense is riddled with injuries and has struggled against both the run and pass as of late. Rex Grossman has been the embodiment of inconsistent this season. And if you're the type who places a lot of weight on off-the-field distractions, then the Tank Johnson saga is certainly one of the biggest distractions out there.

But you know what? The Bears are still a good team.

The defense still has plenty of playmakers, injuries aside. The Bears might have the best 1-2 running back punch in football, outside of San Diego. The receiving core is both deep and talented, for the first time in the history of Bears football. And Rex Grossman, for all his inconsistencies, has posted seven games this season with a QB rating above 100.

That, kiddies, is best in the NFL.

But I guess Philly, led by the game-managing corpse of Jeff Garcia, seems to be more impressive than the team with the best record in football. Maybe it has something to do with old quarterbacks.

Because the media loves -- really, they loooove -- fawning over old quarterbacks. Brad Johnson (who was benched for the third time this season yesterday) received much of it early in the year. Brett Favre is in every single one of Peter King's dreams. And we are now faced with the lovefest over Jeff Garcia.

I'm thinking that the Bears would be better served (in the media's eyes) if they were being guided by Jeff George. Or Doug Flutie. Or Terry Bradshaw.

Of course, they'd be far worse on the field. But the media's old-man lust would definitely be satiated.

Granted, I don't actually care all that much about what the sports media thinks. I think it's been proven time and time again that sportswriters are generally very ill-informed.

But it's Monday, and I need something to complain about. And that's what I'm doing.

So, in the meantime, remember to live every day like Tank Johnson. And go Bears.

(The 12-2, No. 1 seed in the NFC, home-field-advantage-throughout-the-playoffs Bears. Just in case you forgot.)

The Bill Simmons Writing Tutorial, v. 1.0

2006-12-16T08:27:00.001-08:00

So I was reading Bill Simmons' mailbag yesterday, and just reveling in the awesome amazingness of his never-ever-hackneyed prose and I decided that in addition to his ESPN columns, television appearances, radio show gigs and frequent trips to Starbucks with his dog, Bill should teach a writing seminar. After all, he used to be nothing but a simple Internet blogger, and his success should give hope to similar ~~talentless hacks~~ writers out there.

So I contacted Bill and he got back to me quickly, which I really appreciate given how busy he is. Fresh to you, TG10 readers, is the Bill Simmons Writing Tutorial, v. 1.0.
_____________________________________________________

Hey guys! It's me, Bill Simmons. I'm just taking away a few moments from slapping my wife around and being the man of the family to give some pointers to you know-nothing scrubs out there.

So you want to be a writer? Well good freaking luck. It's almost impossible to do nowadays. You have to have a rare collection of talent, wit, drive, determination, Celtics pride, connections to Hollywood celebrities, a know-it-all mentality, a gambling addiction and lots of hot air.

Karate Kid!

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to do this tutorial, because ESPN Classic is going to be showing a special on Larry Bird in 15 minutes, so this is going to have to be done quickly. But it will look like I spent a lot of time on it, because I have no filter and I can shoot off almost 580 words a minute.

So without further (Bob Mc)ado(o), here are my tips:

(By the way, did you notice I snuck in the name of a former Celtics player there? All writers should always try their best to make lots of references, because people feel like you know about lots of stuff.)

Lesson 1: Make lots of references.
This is huge. My buddy Hench called me the other day and we were talking about how much we hate J.D. Drew because we heard from a reader's friend's sister that it doesn't look like J.D. cares enough when he plays baseball. It's like baseball doesn't mean anything to him, and he makes this face that shows he doesn't care. I'm going to call it the J.D. Drew Face, even though I've never really watched him play baseball before. But I imagine it's the kind of face I make when I am sleeping, or maybe when I have to sit down and watch The Notebook with my bimbo wife, who only likes chick stuff. I want a divorce so I can marry Jimmy Kimmel.

Lesson 2: Talk about Jimmy Kimmel a lot
I used to write for Jimmy Kimmel's TV show, back when it was still on the air. But since he's the funniest guy ever, and I know him, you should always talk about him. See, look what I did yesterday during my mailbag when a reader asked a question about Britney Spears. Look right here, watch this technique I use when I answer his question, right here:

Britney peaked about five years ago. In fact, I wrote for Jimmy Kimmel for the AMA's last month and Britney wasn't even one of the top-10 best-looking female celebs in the building. My friend Raff has a great phrase to describe how she looked ...

See, not only did I mention Jimmy Kimmel, I also let you guys know that I wrote for him at the AMAs last month. That gives me lots of credibility. Plus, I also wanted to let you know that I saw lots of female celebrities, and they were so hot that Britney wasn't even one of the 10 hottest in the building. And I wish I didn't have any editors, because what Raff said was so funny about her.

Lesson 3: Talk about your buddies
It makes it look like people like you, and people with friends are always cooler. I have lots of friends. J-Bug, Raff, Hench, my dad ... yeah, we're all really close. They return my calls sometimes.

Lesson 4: Use big words in inexplicable places
I love saying "inexplicable." It's my goal to use it so much that it gets banned from the American lexicon.

See? Lexicon. Score. Like Larry Bird.

Lesson 5: You are smarter than everyone else
Well, you guys aren't. But I am. And that's what allows me to be the most successful sportswriter in America. If you were me, and I'm sorry that you aren't, you would point out how you knew that things weren't going to work out after they don't work out. For example, you'd mention how Ben Wallace isn't going to contribute anything to the Chicago Bulls and it's the worst signing ever just two days before he goes out and grabs 27 rebounds. See? I told you he was going to be a huge presence for Chicago. They look like the Eastern Division champs to me.

Lesson 6: Team chemistry is the most important sports attribute ever
Look at what I wrote here about Orlando Cabrera, former Boston Red Sox shortstop:

Second of all, Orlando Cabrera was clearly the Taylor Townsend of the 2004 Red Sox: Right when he showed up, they started winning; as soon as he left, they stopped winning big games; and few people ever adequately appreciated him when he was there or understood what he meant to that team.

Two things to note there: I used a reference there. Refer to Lesson 2. Also, I don't really quantify why Orlando Cabrera was so important to the Red Sox. But since he put up a .320 OBP and was below-average offensively, it has to be because of chemistry. And chemistry is the most important thing in the game of baseball, because it's made up of nine players who all have to do their job individually and rarely actually affect one another's performance while on the field. This is why the Red Sox will all hate J.D. Drew, because he doesn't look like he cares when he plays. And because of that, David Ortiz will not be able to hit in clutch situations anymore, because during his at-bat he'll be remembering the look J.D. Drew was making during the 3rd inning.

Lesson 7: Hate the Yankees
Alex Rodriguez is a gay choker.

Lesson 8: Be a man
This is the most important, and final lesson. Like I told you earlier, sportswriters have to be men. We all know this. So you have to assert your masculinity at all times. Talk about how stupid your wife is (all she wants is shoes. Shoes, shoes, shoes.). Say that you take care of your daughter, but make sure to let everyone know that you don't like doing it, because children are for homos. Say that the WNBA is stupid and women shouldn't be allowed to have professional sports leagues, because people like me don't care about them at all. Then when you assert your warrior-male dominance, people will know that you're the boss and you know everything about sports.

These are the steps that will make you a successful writer. I have a few more to tell you, but I don't have the time. Gotta go watch the Basketball Jesus. Later, you idiot sucks.

Kanye West doesn't care about Evel!

2006-12-13T07:04:00.001-08:00

Fights between quirky celebrities are always fun, especially when they are waged from opposite ends of the cultural spectrum. The newest tiff has Evel Knievel suing Kayne West over West's video for "Touch the Sky."

The video features Kanye West wearing a jumpsuit and attempting to jump over a canyon, much like Knievel did with Snake River Canyon in 1974.

Naturally, Knievel crashed. Kanye does the same in this video.

It seems that Knievel is most upset over his image being tarnished as a result of Kanye impersonating his likeness.

"That video that Kanye West put out is the most worthless piece of crap I've ever seen in my life, and he uses my image to catapult himself on the public," said Knievel.

I just hate it when people do outlandish things to catapult themselves into the public view. Like I have always said, it's far more noble to change your name to "Evel" and jump a motorcycle over 19 flaming cars and a river in order to gain attention.

"The guy just went too far using me to promote his filth to the world," said Knievel. "I'm not in any way that kind of a person."

I bet none of the 3.6 million people who bought Kanye's filth last year would have purchased the album if Knievel wasn't used to promote it. It was brilliant marketing by Kanye, really; many hip-hop fans are commonly known to love white, redneck men who were born in Montana. In 1938.

Also, speaking of filth, in 1984, Evel Knievel was arrested for soliciting an undercover policewoman for sex. His wife soon left him.

He also assaulted the vice president of 20th Century Fox with an aluminum baseball bat (while a friend was holding the VP on the ground) and pleaded guilty to battery.

In 1981, he was sued for $390,000 by the State of Montana for failing to pay his taxes. He has also been unable to reconcile with his estranged son.

So ... what were you saying, Evel?

Christmas in December. ... Wait.

2006-12-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

Somewhere, a hipster is torn.

There's a stigma out there about many indie music fans. And that stigma is that they all hate Christmas music. Jesus, too.

However, paradoxically, they love Sufjan Stevens. So Stevens' newest release, a collection of 42 Christmas songs (including 17 of his own compositions) is sure to cause confusion among those who think Christmas and everything surrounding it is silly.

Those people can just deal with it, I say.

The story here is that Sufjan, starting in 2000, recorded a disc of Christmas songs that he would send to his family and friends. He did it each year, except for 2004, when he was recording Illinois. And now, he's decided to release all five discs together, along with some supplemental material, to the general public.

And you know, it's pretty darn good stuff.

He tackles a lot of the traditional Christmas songs that everyone knows (O Holy Night, We Three Kings, Little Drummer Boy, etc.) but he also delves into some lesser known songs, like "Lo How a Rose E'er Blooming."

Seriously?

Actually, he sings that twice. Same for "Once in Royal David's City." We always sing "Lo" on Christmas Eve at my church, and I find it a little bit boring, but it's still worth it to hear the treatment he gives the song. And I still find it cool that someone whose fan base is heavily composed of snobbish, cynical indie fans would deal with songs that are so blatantly Christian in nature.

Apparently Sufjan doesn't care. He's doing what he likes. Granted, it may not be as noble as it first appears, because he probably has enough cred at this point to release a 10-disc concept album about how he IS Jesus, and his fans would still call it a masterpiece.

Musically, there is some filler here, but there's a lot of good stuff to enjoy. Perhaps most interesting is hearing the development of his music over the course of five years. The first discs are very banjo-oriented, with plenty of plucky melodies and (more) simple arrangements. As it moves on, you hear a shift from that into more complex songs that feature plenty of the typical bells-and-whistles-and-flutes-backed-by-choral-voices that we heard on Illinois.

Of the traditional songs, if you're asking, I really like "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" (though it's not a Christmas song), "O Holy Night," "We Three Kings," and "What Child is This?"

Among Sufjan's original stuff, he's put together a delightful, peppy song called "Come on! Let's Boogie to the Elf Dance!" that is just as much fun as it sounds. "It's Christmas Time" is another highlight that comes along later in the set.

So, not to steal Andrew Taylor-Hershberger's theme, but I would highly recommend this disc to anyone who enjoys Christmas music. And if you don't like Christmas music, you should buy it anyway -- because it just might change your mind.

Banding together

2006-12-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

I'm guessing that Eddy Curry playing defense against Ben Wallace is like ... well, I don't really know. I'm not feeling particularly great with analogies today. Feel free to post your own in the comments section.

However, what I am feeling great about is the Chicago Bulls. After another thrasing last night, this time over Philly, they've won six straight and are back to .500 on the season after a dreadful start.

I know, I know, the 76ers are terrible. Allen Iverson is all they have, now that Chris Webber is a shell of his former shell's shell, and Andre Iguodala hasn't improved since he was 18 years old.

But a thrashing is a thrashing.

It should also be noted that Bulls haven't lost since Ben Wallace wore his headband onto the court and simultaneously pissed off Scott Skiles AND Scoop Jackson.

Wallace gave some hints last night that he might have been trying to motivate the team by wearing the headband, which is his way of trying to take credit for the win streak. Lord knows he hasn't had anything to do with it on the court. He looks old, tired and a step slow out there. He's late on his rotations and (surprise!) contributes nothing offensively.

And this is in the first year of a 4-year, $60 million deal, mind you. I can't wait for Year Four. He'll need moon shoes just to block Earl Boykins.

No, the win streak has come courtesy of all the young players -- just like many were predicting. Luol Deng looks like an All-Star this year, and Andres Nocioni is continuing his career-long trend of getting better seemingly every game. Kirk Hinrich is his steady self, and even Tyrus Thomas is finally starting to look more comfortable out there.

Additionally, I love Thabo Sefolosha. He's going to be a lower-middle class man's Scottie Pippen.

With the East being as poor as it is, I'm probably a bit more excited than I'd normally be for this team. The Bulls could still realistically win 50 games, and that might be enough for a top-2 seed in the playoffs. I'm going to be most interested to see if Paxson brings in some sort of help near the trading deadline, since names like Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Pau Gasol and, as always, Kevin Garnett, are being batted around.

If I had to bet (and I don't have to), I'd say that we won't see any major names coming to the Bulls during the season. Paxson is going to want to hang onto that first-round pick, because the Knicks (7-14) are certainly doing their best to make sure the Bulls have a shot at the No. 1 pick this spring. And we all know what that means:

Now, that would be truly exciting. Because if Greg Oden can dominate Urule Igbabova, there's no stopping him.

Fantasy vs. reality

2006-12-06T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered about NFL players and how many of them play fantasy football. ESPN has an article about this today, and it's a pretty good read.

I liked the story about how Chris Cooley's huge three-touchdown game last season came when he was playing against himself in fantasy football. And it ended up costing him a win.

And, of course, the article wouldn't be complete without media-hog Tiki Barber chiming in. Check out what he has to say:

"In a game solely designed around the team concept, it's nice to have some individual recognition every now and then. Fantasy football does that.

"It's already the most popular sport, but it's a way for people to delve into the sport and get to know the individual players, which they probably wouldn't have an opportunity to do otherwise."

He later says that he only cares about getting the win, but I'm not so sure after reading the previous quote. I'm just concerned about Tiki in retirement; I hope people don't forget about him. That'd be tragic.

Anyway, the point is: my fantasy football teams are always terrible, and I hate it.

Hibachi!

2006-12-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

This is just a brief note, but I think that everyone should learn more about Gilbert Arenas. Here are some notes about Gilbert:

∴ He has an air filtration system in his house that keeps the air thinner than normal, so Gilbert always feels like he is above sea level.
∴ He plays online poker during halftime of games.
∴ He owns, by his estimate, more than 7,000 DVDs.
∴ He never, ever goes out on the road, because he doesn't like leaving his hotel room in strange cities. He says he's gone out "six times in five years."
∴ Often practices at the Wizards' facility at 2 a.m.
∴ Most of his diet consists of Wendy's, Burger King, or other fast food places.
∴ When he gets a new cell phone, he calls it from his house phone and leaves voicemail after voicemail until the inbox fills up. That way, no one can leave him a message.
∴ Sleeps on the couch in his house.

These sound like Chuck Norris facts, but they aren't. These are things that a real, live, very visible human being does. I'm concerned.

Now, Gilbert has started yelling out "Hibachi!" every time he releases a shot. Literally, he gets the ball, screams "Hibachi!" and then releases the ball toward the basket. This is from a guy who will sometimes take 30 shots per game.

This is what Gilbert had to say about it:

"You know, a hibachi grill gets real hot. That's what my shot's like, so I've been calling it that: 'Welcome to the hibachi.'"

Of course, Gilb's averaging 25 points, 4 boards and nearly six assists a game this season, so, uhh ... whatever works, I guess.

Rex Grossman is terrible at football

2006-12-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

There. How's that for a clever headline about Rex and the Bears?

Fortunately for the Bears, the other 21 starters are very good at their jobs. Especially the 11 guys who line up on defense and spend most of their time simply stealing the ball from opposing offenses. I was watching the game today and after the defense picked off Brad Johnson for the 9th time, I thought of Creed Bratton, from The Office:

"Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. Honestly, I love stealing things."

It's just something the Bears defense does.

Six turnovers, a handful of sacks and a safety. Another typical day for the best unit in the NFL.

On the other end of things, Grossman was 6-for-19 for 34 yards with three interceptions. That all accumulates into a 1.3 passer rating. That's not Kyle Orton bad. It's not Chad Hutchinson bad. It's not Shane Mathews bad. It's not even Henry Burris bad. It's drunken-blind-concussed Kordell Stewart bad.

And sadly, there isn't really much the Bears can do about it. There are lots of people calling for Brian Griese to start, as if a career journeyman (he's played for four teams in the last five years; that's a journey, man) is the answer to all of the Bears' troubles.

He's not.

He's Brian Griese.

If you yank Rex and let Griese take over, there's no guarantee that it's going to make things better. You'll hear that Griese will do a better job of "managing the game", which doesn't actually mean anything. It's just a term tossed around by broadcasters that really means "this quarterback poses no real threat."

In a sense, I'd like to see what Griese can do. But I think the risk, as of now, is too great. If Grossman is benched, you've basically given up on him. And if Griese is bad -- and there is a very real chance of that -- how can you go back to Rex? And what about next year? The Bears will have a still-young quarterback with nothing but funny eyebrows and a shattered psyche.

At this point, the situation is akin to having eaten nothing but broccoli for about two months. You're sick of it, it's not doing much good, and you feel like you're ready for a change. However, the only other option is to switch to spinach. And there's a 50 percent chance that the spinach is ridden with ecoli.

Any way you look at it, you're still eating nothing but vegetables, day after day after day.

Yuck.

Well, we really wanted you in. But OK. Nevermind.

2006-12-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

Now, I love Kansas City. Really. Nice people, the Plaza, great barbecue, jazz music, the Paseo (huh?), and once again, nice people. But the sports landscape there is, well, less than sterling. This is almost entirely due to the Royals, because at least the Chiefs have Larry Johnson.

This, however, could be a new low. It seems that Bret Saberhagen said that he would refuse Hall of fame induction unless Pete Rose was allowed into the Hall of Fame.

In other news:

∴ Ike Turner will refuse "Husband of the Year" honors unless they are first awarded to O.J. Simpson.
∴ Jay Mariotti told the Pulitzer committee to "shove it", saying that if Barry Rozner can't have one, he doesn't want one either.

This Saberhagen development is troubling, for a couple reasons. The first, of course, is that Bret Saberhagen isn't a Hall of Fame player. So it's silly for him to even make that sort of threat. He did win two Cy Youngs, but his closest comparisons on Baseball Reference are John Candelaria, Ron Guidry and Ed Lopat. Solid players, but not an illustrious list.

The other major issue is his support of Pete Rose, who is well-known as having gambled on baseball games. While managing them. Whoops.

"I'd have to decline," Saberhagen said by phone. "I wouldn't accept it unless the Hall decides to put Pete Rose in, which is where he belongs. You're talking about the all-time hits leader. It's never been proven that he bet on baseball while he played."

No, I don't suppose it has been proven. Meaning, Rose has never officially admitted it, in a written statement, that was signed, sealed and delivered to the commish's office. But there is major evidence against him, and Rose always gives one of those non-denial denials when talking about it. Plus, his ceaseless campaigning to actually get into the Hall of Fame is irritating. He's like Ron Santo, with 2,002 more hits, and two more legs.

At least Saberhagen is realistic about his chances:

"Being in consideration is certainly an honor," Saberhagen said. "And certainly the numbers aren't quite what they could have been if I hadn't been hurt as much. (Eli's note: Boo. Hoo.)

"But whether or not I get in, or whatever happens, I don't think that will define my career in my mind. I felt I gave it everything I had at all times. I'm not one of those guys who would go around and advertise it if I got in. There are some guys who will sign their name and then sign 'HOF' underneath it. That wouldn't be me."

No, I guess it wouldn't be.

Grandpa's pissed

2006-11-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

Albert Pujols is feeling pretty cranky today. In a story from the Associated Press:

The St. Louis Cardinals' slugger is upset he lost out to Philadelphia's Ryan Howard for the National League MVP award, saying Wednesday the honor should go to someone on a playoff team.

"I see it this way: Someone who doesn't take his team to the playoffs doesn't deserve to win the MVP," Pujols said in Spanish at a news conference organized by the Dominican Republic's sports ministry.

While he should have won the award, he would have been much better served pointing to his statistical advantages over Howard, not the miscast "the MVP should come from a playoff team" argument. Because, after all, the Phillies won more games than the Cardinals this year.

And it's also unfortunate that a guy who just won a World Series is spending his offseason moaning about individual awards. Tough life, I guess.

This really happened, right?

2006-11-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

Bill Walton Spends Entire Lakers Broadcast Gushing About His Son

LOS ANGELES—Bill Walton, the former NBA Most Valuable Player and popular current NBA broadcaster, spent the entire running time of Tuesday night's Milwaukee Bucks–Los Angeles Lakers game lavishing praise and affection on his son Luke,...

For Welty, of course.

I'm back.

2006-11-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've forgotten how to write. With dead media ventures strewn throughout my past (R.I.P. Flotsam), I look back and remember a time when I possessed the passion, the fire and the drive (Apparently, I was the Lou Piniella of Bloggers. This must make me antiquated and silly, yet loved by many ill-informed fans) to give my thoughts to the masses, and then complain when no one commented.

So, after lovingly creating these ... creations, I would slowly let them fade away and listen to JR Radcliffe yell at me. Then I'd send him brownies in the mail, they'd be slightly stale, and he'd love me again anyway.

Well, I feel like writing again. I'll probably treat this more as a public journal, and I'll just throw up things that I'm interested in or thinking about. They might be 2,000 words, they might be 20 words. They could be about sports, TV, movies, music, politics (ehh), my life (double ehh) or whatever strikes my fancy.

I don't have any noble goals for this.

Mostly I'll just write about The Office, I think.

Cheers.